I thought I knew what unconditional love was.

It’s the whole reason why I Ieapt headfirst into this career in the first place.

Loving is something that I do naturally and well. I came pre-wired with the capacity – a gift, if you will – for deep compassion. Maybe it was the rosy childhood I was lucky to have, being so well loved and all that; maybe it’s my genes. Either way, I can’t take any credit for it. It just is.

I always knew that whatever meaningful thing I would do with my life would channel that ability in some way. When I discovered professional cuddling, I knew I had found my calling. What better way to share the gift of unconditional love than through warm, nurturing touch?

And that’s how I found myself as an attendee at a Sanctuary one evening, with Victoria’s* head in my lap.

 *Not her real name

Channeling Something Greater

“Would you play with my hair?” Victoria had asked. She’d traveled across to room specifically to ask me.

I felt so honored. This was Victoria’s first time at a cuddle event, and she was already brave enough to ask for what she wanted. I adore giving head rubs, and love being invited to caress such an intimate part of another person. 

We quickly found a comfortable position. I sat cross-legged, while she lay face up, resting her head in the nest my legs created.

Victoria was extremely skilled at receiving. She sank in almost immediately, her eyes closed, palms open and relaxed, allowing herself to be present to the moment. Looking down at her, it struck me how vulnerable and open she was. I felt as though I had been entrusted with something sacred.

As I ran my fingers slowly through her thick, brown locks, putting all of my attention onto this tender human in front of me, I felt a surge of emotion ripple through my body. It start from my belly, filling my heart, and then it overflowed, spilling over onto my cheeks in a stream of tears. I looked down and saw a steady trickle glistening along the side of her face. She was crying too.

I had just met Victoria that evening. I knew little to nothing about her —  I didn’t need to. In our brief interaction, I was able to tap into just how inherent her value was, simply by existing. I felt overcome by a fierce tenderness for her; a complete and utter acceptance of who she was. It was as though I was channeling something powerful, greater than us both, something… divine.

And that’s when it hit me.

What About Me

This was not my first time experiencing powerful emotion while holding someone. I’d held many friends and clients through their tears before, and had many previous experiences feeling like a direct channel to unconditional love, just like this.

What made this particular experience memorable, was a surprising shift of attention back onto myself.

As I sat there with this woman’s head in my hands, my fingers interwoven with her hair, both of us in tears, I realized how deep, how boundless, how unconditional love could be. This. This is what we all long for.

I then immediately recognized that the love I had for myself was not like this. It had terms, conditions, limits. Don’t get me wrong, I’d experienced plenty of love for myself. In fact, I thought it was something I was excellent at. However, almost all of it was in response to an accomplishment, or after I had proven to myself that I was a good, successful person.

If I failed to meet my own expectations, instead of unconditional acceptance, I would be met with debilitating disappointment, self-beratement, loathing.

It occurred to me just how silly that was. Here I was, preaching about the power of unconditional love, doing my best to shower every single person around me with it, yet holding myself at arms length.

I took a deep breath, let myself melt into the moment even more, and surrendered to the warmth I was feeling – the love that was flowing through me. And then I cried some more.

Learning to Receive

It’s been many months since this memory. I still live with feelings of inadequacy, and fall back into self-criticism from time to time. I realize now that I still have a lot to learn about love and its transcendent nature.

But I’ve been practicing. Allowing myself to receive nurturing touch and to be held by others has been helpful. It demands that I believe in my inherent right to receive love. Through that, I’m learning that love doesn’t have to be earned. It just is.

All I need to do is let it in.