Do you get lonely? I do.
It’s my least favorite emotion to experience.
Wait a minute, you say. How do you get lonely, Fei? You’re married, and you cuddle people all day long!
You’re right. In general, I do have a lot of connection in my life. More than most, perhaps. But I’m not immune.
Here’s a picture I took of me recently when I was feeling really lonely
Loneliness is a lot like hunger. It’s a need that keeps needing to be met. Some people starve because they’re under-resourced. But just because I’m resourced enough to have food, doesn’t mean I don’t get hungry. The hungriness is simply a cue to feed myself.
But (to stay with this metaphor) sometimes I neglect to keep my pantry stocked. I may not starve, but I have to go hungry for a little bit until I sort it out.
Stocking the “Connectedness Pantry”
So what do we need in order to satisfy our recurring pangs of loneliness?
Here are the 3 main ingredients I recommend:
1. Community
I consider community to be the protein and carbs of connection. It’s the building blocks that make life feel full. Being in a group offers abundant opportunities for interaction with others, and a sense of purpose and belonging in the larger context of the world.
Without a group to belong in, we can feel adrift and separate from others.
The moments I’ve felt loneliest in my marriage have been when we have been disconnected from a community. You can be isolated and starving for connection while in close proximity with another human being. It takes a village.
Finding and creating community takes work, though. It means finding a place with like-minded folks and consistently showing up to give and receive. Consistency here is key.
The good news is that community can be found everywhere, even online. Some communities are more accepting than others, but there will always be one that welcomes you in with open arms. You just have to figure out where you want to be.
2. Emotional Intimacy
I look at emotional intimacy as the vital nutrient in connection.
It’s why we can be surrounded by people, but still feel intensely lonely. Without anyone seeing our inner world and fully accepting us for who we are, social interactions can feel empty and lacking.
You can feel full, but be malnourished at the same time.
Emotional intimacy takes a lot of courage and inner work to create. First and foremost, we need kindness and attention from ourselves. If we do that, our alone time can be filled with contentment. We can be alone but not lonely for intermediate periods of time (though not forever)!
Next, we need be willing to show up authentically and vulnerably with others, and be seen by our friends and partners as our whole selves. Yes, including the weak parts.
If we never set aside our masks when we interact, we won’t be able to access the feeling of being loved for who we are. That’s incredibly lonely.
What’s one place in the world where you feel like you are truly safe to be yourself with someone else? I guarantee you, you don’t feel lonely there.
There are great ways to practice emotional intimacy. Support groups, therapy (individual or groups), authentic relating events etc. are great places to gain intimacy skills you can take into your one-on-one friendships and relationships.
3. Physical Contact
Loneliness isn’t just a feeling. It’s a physiological state. We have evolutionary and biological needs for closeness programmed into our brains and bodies.
That means directly involving our bodies is essential to feeling connected. It also means that not addressing our needs for connection will have physical effects on us that can translate into emotional ones.
We sometimes miss how loneliness impacts us because we don’t know what to look for. Remember, the symptoms of malnourishment look different than hunger, and they may be harder to detect.
Having a place to access touch in a safe way regulates our nervous system and gives us a sense of security. It’s quite a great hack too: when we get into that state of regulation, we feel safe and ready to socially engage. Physical connection increases social and emotional connection.
And you don’t need a romantic or sexual partner to get your touch needs met. Partnered dance, contact improv, massage, hugs from friends, and of course cuddle events, cuddle buddies and professionals are great options too.
Keep Feeding Yourself
So what cures loneliness? Nothing, actually. Loneliness isn’t a condition to be cured because it will keep coming up. However, just like hunger, it can be addressed and curbed consistently so it doesn’t become a problem.
It takes thoughtful planning and consistent execution. Just like the attention and energy you put into meal-planning and structuring mealtimes.
I recently heard an attendee at Cuddle Sanctuary say that “healthcare without self-care is sick care.” I couldn’t agree more.