I love being a giver. It feels *great* to be instrumental in another person’s happiness. Lately, however, I’ve noticed that I’ve been using giving as a crutch in my relationships.

It’s time for that to change.

 

A One-Sided Experience

Giving has been my default way into feeling important and special to the people around me. I’ve done this subconsciously, believing that as long as I’m useful, I’ll have access and closeness to the people I care about.

The result, however, has been a lot of friendships where I’ve shown up in support but never really received any. Not because they were unable or unwilling to give it, but simply because I never got vulnerable enough to ask.

As much as giving is important in any relationship, it’s only one half of the equation. In order for the quality of my connections to improve, and for me to feel more satisfaction and mutuality in my friendships, I’ve had to learn to get good at receiving too.

 

A Skill Worth Developing

Receiving is a skill that takes practice to cultivate. But the great news is that just as with any other skill, it can be learned!

Whether it’s receiving touch, support, positive attention or compliments, it takes some practice to really let it in.

Here are 5 tips to help you improve your ability to receive!

 

1) Reframe Selfishness

Does the word “selfish” bring up discomfort for you? That is often one of the biggest obstacles to being able to receive.

Many of us have inherited the belief that selflessness is the ultimate virtue, and anything that comes across as selfish can trigger shame. In actuality, being selfless all the time can lead to our own needs being unmet, bringing along with it burnout, resentment, and a subsequent diminished capacity to give.

Learning to balance it out requires us to understand our value and worth in a different way. We have to be willing to accept that we are deserving of love and good things even when we’re not actively contributing. This is the first step in de-vilifying our relationship with enjoyment and pleasure.

So if you notice yourself feeling selfish – even greedy – see if you can celebrate it inside yourself. Maybe using the word “self-ful” instead will help. Add yourself to the list of people you give to. You belong on the top of that list!

 

2) Make a “You” Container (and Pause the Giving!)

If you want to get better at receiving, you’re going to have to practice! Set aside a time that’s all about you. It will be a challenge, but see if you can do absolutely zero giving or care-taking of your giver during this time.

Employing a paid professional is one great way to practice. Seeing a therapist, getting a massage, or receiving a cuddle session are all ways you can stretch your receiving muscles.

You can also do this with a friend. It’s helpful to set up a container of time. You can start small, just 3-5 mins of receiving touch or attention in the way you love and work your way up.

To up the ante, instead of making it a trade, see if you can just receive without giving back! It may be helpful to start with special occasions: a birthday or special anniversary, or a rare difficult circumstance. Next, see if you can work your way up to making it a weekly or even daily recurring practice of making your life about you.

 

3) Ask for What You Want!

Even when we’re in a place that’s supposed to be about us receiving, it can be very easy to simply go along with what is happening because it’s good enough.

When I notice myself doing this, it feels like I have one foot in the door of receiving and another out – trying to take care of the person who is giving to me.

The quickest (but most vulnerable) way to curb that, and really make it about us, is by learning how to ask.

Here are some ways you can practice asking:

• Adjust the pressure of the massage you’re receiving so it’s perfect.
• Ask for help from a friend: a ride to the airport, 30 mins of listening to you vent, help with a task etc.
• Teach your partner or friends how to care for you.
• Speak up if something is bothering you.
• Make requests instead of offers at a cuddle event.

 

Perhaps the most challenging thing about this is actually knowing what you want and need – enough to be able to ask for it. It takes work and a lot of time and attention to know ourselves in this way, but the work is worth it!

 

4) Trust the Boundaries of Others

One of the reasons we hold back from taking up space with our needs and wants is our fear that we’ll be too much for the people around us.

But what if we could really trust the boundaries of the other person? What if they can do such a damned fine job of taking care of themselves that none of our care-taking is needed?

Often times, when I’m not letting myself fully melt into a gift I’ve received, it’s because I’m not fully trusting that it’s ok for me to. Interestingly enough, the more I’ve gotten good at maintaining my own boundaries, the better I’ve become at trusting in other people’s grown-up-ness, and to release myself from always having to be in charge of how they are.

Sometimes, it does still help for me to double check. “Is this actually still ok? You will stop when you’re done or say something if this is too much, right?” Once I hear a reassuring answer, I can lean in more and surrender into my own experience.

So the next time you’re noticing yourself holding back from asking or receiving, do a quick scan. What assumptions are you making about what is ok for the other person and what is not. Then, check with them to see if it’s actually true. Notice if/how that changes your perception and your ability to receive.

 

5) Get uncomfortable!

True receiving is deeply vulnerable. It exposes our underbelly of longing and need. This can feel uncomfortable, even scary.

Notice what your edges are when it comes to receiving. We all have an upper limit, or what I call the pleasure threshold. Do you know where your ceiling is? What is the point in which you start to feel like you’ve gotten too much, or taken up too much space. Do you know how your psyche responds then and what stories kick in ?

Start to notice where that is, and see if you can invite yourself to stay with receiving instead of pulling away, even as your feelings of guilt or shame are coming up. Doing this gently, and with lots of compassionate attention to your own process, can allow you to stretch and grow your capacity to receive good things.

And believe me, you deserve to have good things.

 

Diving Into Your Own Enjoyment

If you’re reading this and feeling resolved to invite more goodness into your life, I’ve made a handy-dandy acronym for you.

The next time you notice yourself still hovering on the surface of your own enjoyment and not able to dive in, think of SCUBA diving.

Selfulness – Remember that caring for yourself is a good thing
Container – Set the parameters for putting a pause on giving
Upper Limit – Find your edge and stay in. If you’re a little uncomfortable at first, you’re doing it right.
Boundaries – Trust that others can hold them so you can let go.
Ask! – You can’t have what you want without asking.

Here’s to a world full of generous givers, and also those who know how to receive fully, and with delight!