Last time I told you about the sex ed talk I gave at a conservative university. One of the students asked me how he can avoid false accusations, and I fumbled. Today, I’ll share how I might handle it next time and who I turned to for help.

Tactics

The student asked a direct question, and one way I could have responded would be with a direct answer. I could have given him a list of tips, a prescription like this:

  1. Build rapport with a potential sexual partner by initiating a safer sex conversation before you get all up in each other’s business. (We had already explored this in the presentation I just gave.)
  2. Don’t engage in sexual activity when intoxicated. (We talked about intoxicants in class.)
  3. Don’t engage in sexual activity if your partner is intoxicated. (Ditto.)
  4. Use verbal consent techniques throughout your sexual experiences. (We practiced verbal consent in the presentation.)

Even though most of my class was about consent, this student took the time to come up to me after class. Somehow he wasn’t satisfied. What was up?

Facts

Maybe I could have armed him with facts about false reporting. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) explains in their literature that most sexual assaults aren’t reported. This research-focused nonprofit also describes a concern with the media. By putting so much attention on the very rare cases of false reporting the media creates a frightening perception that false reports are common when they aren’t. A savvy media consumer – when he hears a story about false reporting – will know that the amount of attention being given to it is out of proportion to the reality. 

The NSVRC concludes that “misconceptions about false reporting rates…can contribute to why many victims don’t report sexual assaults.” By providing this student the above tips and facts in a calm and professional way, perhaps one less person in the world would worry unnecessarily and one more person could feel safe enough to report an actual crime.

Something tells me that if I rattled off these statistics, that student wouldn’t walk away feeling seen, heard or supported. Something was still missing.

My journey to calm

So there I was at the airport the morning after the presentation. I’d just finished writing my rant to purge my frustration. I gave Dave Booda a call. Let me tell you about Dave. He’s a retired naval officer and friend. We met at a relationship workshop years ago. Dave is also a gifted musician:

#MeToo

Can you tell that Dave is cool? He is. He’s a popular guy who’s able to find and nurture satisfying connections with women without the scary results feared by that student. Perhaps most importantly, Dave is a thought leader about culture, gender dynamics and relationships. Dave could provide me needed perspective on this student’s question and maybe help me identify my blind spots as a teacher. While talking with Dave I quickly learned that I had a semantics problem.

The words got in the way

When I called the police to report the rape that happened to me five years ago, the police officer on the other line thought we got disconnected because I was silent on the other line. “Hello?” he said. “I’m crying,” I explained. “Oh, take your time.” I continued trying to speak the sentences that needed to be said so I could get this call over with. Reporting a consent violation is emotionally painful. That’s why most people don’t. The very idea that my experience might be questioned as false – this is what makes me go nuclear. To put it simply: The language – the words – “false allegation” is emotional to some of us who have dragged ourselves through the experience of reporting. 

The question behind the question

Dave guessed that the student’s concern wasn’t really “How do I stay out of the criminal justice system.” Instead he imagined that this guy was seeking a “Perfection Model” for consent. This fellow wants the holy grail – an equation that’s reliable and repeatable so that he can go about his social life without fucking things up.

My defenses lowered a bit

I regularly work with men on the neurodiversity spectrum who are grasping for the social rules that are known to others but invisible to them. I have great compassion for that struggle. These men are trying to get their needs met in a world where they have to learn through repetition and memorization what others know intuitively. Using Dave’s assessment, I had to make a mental translation that was very odd to me:

False Accusation = Getting Unpleasantly Called Out For Something Not Yet Visible to Me

If that’s what this guy really meant – that he just wants to get consent right, sure, I can hop over the semantics of the question and proceed. (There’s still a little burning in the pit of my stomach, but I can do this.)

Perfection versus Vulnerability

A Perfection Model offers a promise that relationships can be mastered intellectually. It might be a manual that includes the good tips I listed above with hundreds of exceptions and caveats. The Perfection Model for consent could be memorized and would diminish risk, embarrassment and error. Fortunately or not, the Perfection Model doesn’t exist. In its place, Dave and I might offer a more uncomfortable and effective approach – the Vulnerability Model. Says Dave:

“What we’re in is a laboratory where we are learning together. An accusation is a gift. The worse scenario is an accusation you don’t get to hear. When she says something, you have another shot. Shut up and listen. You’ll be on your way to something better.”

So one important aspect of the Vulnerability Model is humility:

  • Be teachable.
  • Accept you may make mistakes.
  • Ask questions and then listen to the answers.

The second important element of the Vulnerability Model of Consent would be attunement. In my opinion, attunement is a delicious way to live and love. Not only does it help one be more confident in sexual situations, it can help one be a better friend and overall human

Because this topic deserves more time and attention, I’ll dive into it next time. I’ll be back in two weeks to share ideas on how we can all get more attuned.

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