I made a mistake.

A few years ago, I led a Cuddle Sanctuary event where one of the guys was a newbie, and I found him attractive. The day after the event, I expressed my interest in him and he said very simply, “No thank you.” I responded as I’ve been trained to respond. I sent him a note back and said, “Thank you for taking care of yourself.” He sent me back a smiley face. I guess he liked that I handled his rejection gracefully.

I also had the discipline to leave him alone. That means I didn’t ask him again or try to make him feel guilty or whine or any other unsavory behavior. I said the right thing and did the right thing, but inwardly I was thinking, “What the fuck?!”

Why didn’t he want to get to know me better?

As time went on, this guy became a colleague and friend. I never forgot the experience of his rejection; I will admit it became a place of shame and awkwardness for me. I also knew that he didn’t owe me any explanation. But at this point in our relating, I felt that there was enough trust and good will between us to risk opening up a conversation about it. I asked him if he’d be willing to give me some insight about that situation from his perspective. His response floored me. He told me that he saw me as a teacher and it felt totally inappropriate for me to approach him as a romantic interest.

Holy shit. I hadn’t fully realized my role as the leader of Cuddle Sanctuary and the sacred role of a teacher. Oh no – I had been creepy! He was super kind about it and said he had once made a similar mistake. The experience was a wake up call to me that I needed to be very mindful of my role and position of power and be darn sure never to take advantage of it. This evolved an item in our Code of Ethics for event leaders, professional cuddlers and the students who get certified by us:

“I will not use my events or professional cuddling sessions as a way to find sexual or romantic partners. I won’t date my clients or attendees and will end our professional relationship if a conflict of interest arises.”

Good for me! I made a mistake and then cleaned up my act. This guideline makes things very simple for me when it comes to post-event socializing. If I meet someone through Cuddle Sanctuary and feel attracted to the person, I don’t pursue it.

But what about you?

There’s some confusion.

A Cuddle Sanctuary participant once told me that one of her biggest concerns was whether anyone would try to connect with her romantically or sexually after the event. She didn’t want that.

I’ve had a guy tell me that he wanted to get a bite to eat after a Saturday night event and wasn’t sure if he was “allowed” to invite his fellow attendees to join him.

Is it okay for you to pursue friendships or romance with fellow attendees once the events are over?

Maybe it’s none of Cuddle Sanctuary’s business?

One way of thinking about this, is that the question of post-event socializing has nothing to do with Cuddle Sanctuary. I could think of Cuddle Sanctuary as an event provider. As long as people follow the guidelines during our events, how they behave afterwards is none of my business.

Or should Cuddle Sanctuary take a stand for nonsexual friendships?

At Cuddle Sanctuary, we put on platonic social events. I could have the attitude that seeking to pick up or hook up after an event would be inappropriate and counter to the community vibe that we create together. Is that the party line? That seeking friendship is fair but seeking romance or sexual contact – not okay? Hmm.

Should Cuddle Sanctuary make a bigger stand for consent?

Another thing to consider is that our events highlight boundaries and consent. We are in the midst of the #MeToo era where violations of consent are making headlines regularly. Should I consider it my mission to promote consent culture – not just within our walls, but everywhere? Yeah, that one feels good to me.

So where does Cuddle Sanctuary stand? You know, officially?

The people who come to Cuddle Sanctuary have different backgrounds, hopes, desires and needs. Trying to create some sort of rule about behavior is bound to be too limiting for some and not strict enough for others. That’s why my goal is to provide the most freedom and the most respect possible for the most people. What follows are Cuddle Sanctuary’s official Community Guidelines. There are two of them.

1. Yes! Build Community!

A wise person at the social group Authentic Relating once said that community is built on a series of one-on-one relationships. That makes great sense to me. You are welcome to create one-on-one relationships with your fellow attendees: Share meals, become cuddle buddies, co-work together, become roommates or best friends or whatever you like. It has happened that romance has sparked and romantic-type relationships have blossomed. It’s all good.

You are also welcome to hang out in groups. Spend Thanksgiving together, plan a trip to the Grand Canyon, drive each other to doctor’s appointments, go on a cuddle cruise. Yes, please do!

2. Use the wisdom of the “No Thank You” exercise.

The “No Thank You” exercise which we teach at every orientation demonstrates how to say “No thank you” and how to receive a “No thank you” to an offer of touch. In order to have a safe and comforting experience at our social events, both skills are needed. We practice being gracious when someone says “No” to us. We are cool about it and sometimes even thank the other person for being brave and honest.

Use this technique after our events, too.

You are welcome to ask a fellow attendee to socialize. If they’re a “No thank you” do what you know how to do. Be gracious and move along.