“What would you like to do?”

I probably asked that question a dozen times or more at my very first Cuddle Sanctuary. Oh, I was having a blast! There I was, bouncing from one side of the room to another, connecting with this person, and that person, and then that other person over there.

I was spooned, won a few thumb war matches, played with hair, and got tons of hugs. Heaven!

It wasn’t till much later when I realized I’d missed out on something important.

All evening, I’d only asked others what they wanted, and never made a single request for myself.

 

The Shadow Side of Giving

My whole life, it had been drilled into me that giving was what made me a good person. I learned to build my worth around my giving. “Look at how much more selfless of a person I am!” Wow, did I get good at being a martyr.

In our culture, we look at giving to be the ultimate virtue. That’s mostly true. There’s a lot of joy and good that comes from giving (look at how much fun I had at Cuddle Sanctuary from just making offers!). Generosity is an important attribute to cultivate, and so is selflessness: the ability to set aside our wants temporarily in support of others.

The thing that’s missing from the narrative, however, is the equally important virtue of receiving.

Without the ability to receive, we deplete ourselves, and risk becoming resentful givers. There is no generosity without first being full ourselves – something that can only happen when we learn to receive. When giving is our only tool, we might unknowingly use it as a form of manipulation. We may use it to earn acknowledgment, gratitude, respect, or worthiness. Our offers for touch might actually be hidden requests for connection. In this limited realm, our gifts and acts of service become trojan horses. Our “selflessness” gets tainted with our own unspoken desires.

 

Barriers to Receiving

Recognizing my reliance on giving was a painful and humbling experience. But in order for me to learn to receive, I first had to do a lot of mental reprogramming. There are so many beliefs that stand as obstacles to pleasure and joy. Here are just a few:

  1. Receiving is selfish. Selfishness = bad
  2. If I’m not giving and contributing, I’m irrelevant and worthless
  3. I’m taking advantage of someone else’s generosity
  4. I don’t want to owe anyone anything
  5. Receiving means I won’t have any control
  6. I want too much, and would get too needy & vulnerable
  7. I don’t know what I want, so I must not need anything
  8. I’m not allowed to want that!
  9. I don’t deserve to feel this good

That’s a lot of messages that keep us from having permission to let go and enjoy ourselves!

Learning to receive isn’t always easy. It takes the willingness to face feelings of vulnerability, guilt, and shame. It can be uncomfortable at first, but it’s so worth it!

I get to practice a lot at Cuddle Sanctuary. I’m still practicing. Sometimes, I’ll catch myself care-taking others instead of listening to what I want. I occasionally feel my own guilt come up when receiving a great a massage; the better the massage, the bigger the guilt. I’m learning to notice it, sit with it, and allow myself to feel that I’m worth it.

 

Truly Generous Giving

The next time you make an offer of help or service, here are a few questions you can ask: Is there an unspoken desire behind my offer? Would this be better framed as a request? Am I able to truly be of service to the other person, without resentment and with a full heart?

When we can be clear about who our giving is for, we can then get better about receiving what is meant for us! That opens the door to a deeper sense of self, more empowerment, and incredible bliss.