The first time I encountered a “picky” cuddler, I judged.
We were at a cuddle, and I had offered this attendee a back rub.
She delightfully accepted, and then proceeded to tell me a list of things she liked and didn’t like.
“I like medium pressure. No nails. Go slow. Don’t pull on the skin too much. Avoid being too repetitive. There’s this spot under my shoulder blades. Would you start there?”
Whoooosh! My judgement and fear came up like a flash flood, and I immediately noticed my interest in interacting with her extinguish. I no longer felt safe to engage in touch with her.
Why I Judged Pickiness
I grew up with the belief that it was my job to learn to like anything and everything. That was how I would find harmony in the world.
When in a group that was deciding what to do together, for example, my stance would be to not have an opinion. I didn’t want my wants to complicate or restrict the group dynamic.
I got extremely good at acquiescing and just accepting anything I was given.
I’d internalized the idea that my flexibility and my willingness to make sacrifices for the “greater good” of the group was what made me a good person.
Sound familiar?
That’s why I judged this woman for her preferences. She wasn’t afraid to know what she liked or didn’t like. She had no fear of being particular and coming across as “picky”. Her confidence and unabashedness came so counter to my belief system around agreeability that it took me aback.
The Problem with Not Acknowledging Preferences
While agreeability and flexibility does have an important place in group dynamics, it has a shadow side too.
Even if I didn’t voice my wants, nor spent time honing them, I still had things I liked more than others.
I hadn’t taken the time to develop my identity as an individual. Yet, I would get resentful when everybody else’s wants would take priority over mine. I had this expectation that someone else would take care of my experience in the group, when it was my responsibility all along.
The Story in My Head
Fast forward to the cuddle. When this woman came having done all the work of knowing herself well, and being clear in communicating it, I reacted with fear.
What I saw in that moment when she rattled off her list, was all the ways I could screw up around her.
I heard, “if you do this, or this, or that, I won’t like it — I won’t like you. I’m a disagreeable person who doesn’t like a lot of things. You included.”
All of this was a story in my head from her very simply asking for what she wanted.
Learning to Welcome Other People’s Preferences
A lot has changed for me since then. Through learning my way around this work, I’ve been challenged to find my voice, hone my preferences around touch, and to communicate them. I’ve felt celebrated when my preferences and boundaries come up. Beyond that, I’ve had the rewarding experience of getting exactly what I asked for – nothing more, nothing less.
Whoah, it’s amazing!!
All this time, I had been tolerating things I wasn’t even aware of. Once I eliminated that, I was able to experience a whole new level of bliss.
I now view “pickiness” with a newfound reverence and respect.
These days, when someone is clear with their preferences, I celebrated it. Instead of hearing “This is how you could fail”, I now hear “This is exactly how you can be successful.”
A few things had to shift for me to get there.
First, I had to stop judging others for having preferences that were different from mine. It took learning to trust each individual to know what works best for them. I no longer believe that I know better than they do.
Then, I had to build a sense of security and confidence in myself. When I became more sure of my own value, I stopped being afraid of temporary moments of disharmony. That gave me permission for my own preferences, permission for others to have theirs without reading any rejection into it.
Setting Up for Success
There is a safety to “pickiness” that is communicated.
Once I got past the dent to my ego, I realized that I could really trust her feedback. That meant if I followed the instructions exactly as I was given, she would love the massage. It’d be much more enjoyable than whatever I would do while not being aware of her preferences. I was being set up for success, not failure.
The more articulate someone is with me, the less I have to guess, and the more we can connect in an authentic way.
Be Picky!
Is there a place for openness, agreeability, flexibility and even tolerance? Sure! But there should also be a place where you get to make it all about you. I can’t think of a better place to do that than at Cuddle Sanctuary or with a professional cuddler.
You deserve to have bliss! So communicate exactly what you want. As long as you are honoring the boundaries of others, you get to try to have your way. Experiment with being bossy, picky and particular. Make arbitrary decisions on who you do or don’t want to cuddle with. Change your mind over and over again about how you want to be touched. It challenges societal programming, but flexing your desire muscles can be incredibly empowering and fun!
Trust that when you’re with us, you won’t be judged or rejected for wanting what you want. What you’ll find instead, is a celebration of exactly who you are.