It’s a daily occurrence for me to be in intimate spaces with people I just met.

When folks hear about my cuddling profession, they always want to know: “How do you keep yourself safe?”

I wish I could tell them just how safe I always feel. I feel safer in cuddle sessions and events than I do most anywhere else in the world.

In a short amount of time after meeting, people share with me things they’ve told no-one else. We can find ourselves relaxed and wrapped in each other’s arms. We’ll hold each other through tears, and find relief and insight. We’ll also giggle and snort in fits of laughter. Sometimes, there’s even dozing off. Yes. We can feel that safe, even if we just met.

The Foundation of Intimacy

Emotional safety is the #1 prerequisite for creating intimacy. If either party isn’t feeling safe, we will naturally put up barriers or distance ourselves. Finding a foothold of security is what allows us to lower our defenses and make space for curiosity, connection and magic to happen.

This doesn’t happen by accident, however. It is crafted with great intention.

People often think that it takes a lot of time and increased familiarity to create trust. That’s why it confuses them that I can feel safe with a stranger.

While it’s true that trust and intimacy does increase over time, it doesn’t require much time at all to make an emotionally safe environment right from the start.

Here’s my secret ingredient: empowerment.

Empowered People Feel Safe

I’m going to say it again for dramatic effect: empowered people feel safe. Sink your teeth into that for a moment.

Empowerment and safety are synonymous. When I am empowered, I feel secure. I know I don’t have to tolerate anything uncomfortable or harmful. Things can go wrong or differently than planned, but I’ll still be resourced and able to manage just fine. I am my own safety net.

On the flip side, people who don’t feel safe to be around most often aren’t feeling safe themselves. It’s not that they have intent to harm or be malicious, they are simply acting out of scarcity, shame, or fear. Their own disempowerment creates scenarios that in turn disempowers others.

I have learned that I can create a lot of safety by simply working on myself. The more resilient I feel, and the more I value my worth, the more permission I have to communicate what I want or don’t want in the moment. This allows me to navigate the world much more confidently. This also means that I constantly work on empowering people around me, and encouraging them to be in communication with me. This is what intimacy is: an open floor for communication.

A Recipe for Safety

Here is what I look for when creating safe, empowered spaces whether in a group or a one-on-one setting. This applies to professional relationships, or any interpersonal encounters including cuddle buddies, lovers or romantic partners.

1) Clear Container
We are clear about what we want from each other, what’s included in our interaction and what’s not. It has room to change and evolve, but we stay in communication and on the same page about it.

2) Choice & Freedom
We are both free and able to disengage or change our mind at any time for any reason.

3) Communicated Desires
There is acceptance and non-judgement for each other’s wants and needs, and active communication about what we want.

4) Respected Boundaries
We feel safe to say “No”, and don’t have to go along with what we don’t want.

5) Care for Well-Being
We feel like our well-being will be cared for. First by ourselves, then with support from the other person.

In this video, I talk a little bit more about scenarios that don’t feel safe, and how we can make them safer:

What if I Never Feel Safe?

If you’re struggling to remember the last time you felt safe, you’re not alone.

It’s likely that you’ve lived through traumatic experiences from neglect and/or harm, and your body has learned to live in survival physiology to protect you. This makes the feeling of safety inaccessible, no matter how objectively safe your surroundings might be.

If this is you, know that there is healing to be found. With time, practice and patience, your nervous system can be coaxed into more regulation and resilience. Reach out for support. We can work with you and your therapist/specialist to support you in finding the tools you need that be more empowered and safer in the world.

A World of Safety

I believe in a world where authenticity, directness and clarity abound, and all the things that we want and need are within reach. I also know that this world can only exist if I make it for myself first. To start with, I need to get comfortable with my own discomfort. The awkwardness of speaking up. The shame of wanting something I hate to admit. The disappointment of not being able to have exactly what I want when I want it. The more I can sit with those feelings, the safer and more connected I become. Would you do this with me?