When Adam* came in for his first session, he made a beeline for the lone chair in the far corner of the living room.
I don’t usually hold sessions in my living room. Or in chairs. But I was prepared.
“The only touch I’d ever gotten as a child was abusive,” he’d shared over the phone. “I can tolerate hugs now, but I would like to get more comfortable with intimacy in general.”
I’d reassured him that we didn’t have to touch at all during our first session – or ever.
When he arrived, he was nervous and agitated. His seating choice indicated to me that he felt safer alone.
I pulled a chair up to join him; not too far, but not too close. And then we talked.
I learned about his history, his relentless pursuit of his own healing, the years of traditional talk therapy he was in, and how helpful it had been.
He was great at processing through talk. I knew this role well too. We stayed comfortably in this familiar setting for 45 minutes.
Words are Wonderful
I love conversation. It’s a great tool for building connection and rapport. And few things are more validating than being heard. I need to be listened to, to have my words accepted and acknowledged. That feels like love to me.
There is also a specificity to language that can give shape and awareness to thought and feelings. Talking can feel like untangling a mess of emotions and creating some order. And in this clarity, insights often form. That’s one of the reasons why talk therapy is so effective for many – myself included. I’m a big proponent of it and have seen a therapist on a regular basis for several years now.
It’s really productive for me! I love to process thoughts, fears, and emotions that come up for me in my life and in my work. The therapist is great at highlighting important threads in my life, and bringing our conversations to the places that lead to more inquiry, feeling, and insight. These are things that inspire change and growth for me.
At the same time, I’m finding myself stopping more and more to just sit and feel. Sometimes I have to ask him to pause from talking so I can let the feelings come up and just be with them. A few times, this has led to a needed release of sobbing uncontrollably. It feels good to be witnessed, and have the comfort of having someone else in the room with me. No words needed here.
Of course, I always think, this would be so much better if we were hugging too.
More than Talk
In my own sessions as a professional, I frequently use conversation and listening as a tool for connection. Often times, the content of what is being shared or processed leads to growth and healing for the client. Other times, the benefits come simply from being fully accepted without judgement. But the wonderful thing about cuddling sessions is, there is no need for an agenda. There is no expectation of a premise of self-improvement. Relaxation and connection are great goals in and of themselves. Within the basic guidelines, there’s a large range of what is possible and welcomed within a session.
If all Adam had wanted was to talk, we could’ve stay in conversation chair-to-chair, session after session, no problem.
But Adam didn’t need another therapist, and I’m not one anyway.
When he was ready, we moved to the couch and found a way to incorporate touch gently. I invited him to deepen his breath, and watched him ease into a little more relaxation. We started with what felt safe to him: first a squeeze on the hand, then sitting closer so our arms could brush against one another.
Our last 15 minutes were spent in relative silence. We used words sparsely – just enough to communicate what was needed. In that short time, we connected with a depth that would have taken us weeks of talking to create.
When to Set Talking Aside
New clients frequently ask me, “Is it ok to talk?”
The answer is yes. Professional cuddlers are glad to be a listening ear, and many of us have coaching skills and backgrounds we are happy to use. Me, I love this stuff!
But I also know that sometimes, talk can get in the way of what is really needed.
Too much talk can put us into our heads and out of our bodies. Lots of times when we are sharing, the focus goes to telling a story. That can bring us to the past or the future instead of sensing and feeling what is happening for us right now.
Our bodies have an innate wisdom, and just making a space to listen is all it takes to access it. Setting aside words for a while allows us to bring our attention fully to the present – and that’s where pure bliss can be found.
Feel the Moment
So next time you’re cuddling, whether with a professional, a lover, or a cuddle buddy, check in with yourself. Do I want to be talking? Is there something I want to share, or am I avoiding something by filling the space with words?
Experiment with moments of silence where you can give 100% of your attention to your breathing, your body, the sensations on your skin, and to the person you’re in connection with. See if that changes the way that you relate to one another.
Allow yourself to be seen, heard, and also felt.