Often, when looking at the RSVPs for a cuddle event, I’ll notice that there are more men signed up than women. It’s not a coincidence – it’s a trend. Why is that?
Is it that women don’t need cuddling?
Do women have less needs for soothing and affection? Based on my own experience, I think not. There’s a cultural belief out there about women and sexuality. The belief is that women have sex as a pathway to their real goal – cuddling. I think that’s pretty insulting to the sex drives of women. The kernel of truth in that belief is that many humans do like cuddling and women are, in fact, human.
Is it that women get plenty of cuddling already?
Maybe the issue is that in our culture, women have more freedom to receive touch. Certainly, there’s less homophobic stigma out in the world when women hug each other versus when men hug each other. There was a scientific study done in different cities in the world to observe how often people touch while having coffee. It was meant to demonstrate cultural norms related to physical connection. In the U.S., that number was very small. So even though women may have more permission for touch, I don’t know that we’re capitalizing on it.
In my own experience, I found myself living in Los Angeles and getting depressed often. I had no idea that receiving safe, soothing affection would help. It did! My inspiration to start Cuddle Sanctuary was that my own needs for touch weren’t getting met. So in answer to my own question, are all women getting enough cuddling in their lives? For, me that answer would be Hell No.
So I’d like to continue this exploration with a few assumptions in place:
- Humans tend to need an ongoing supply of soothing touch to feel happy and well. (Click here for the science.)
- Many humans in Los Angeles and other places are in a state of touch deficit.
- Women are human.
Cuddle Sanctuary offers weekly events and women attend. But let’s just say not all of them. Where are the rest? Why do many women stay away?
I think many women are afraid.
Several years ago, Fei Wyatt – the Chief Cuddle Officer at Cuddle Sanctuary and my dear friend – was actively researching the cuddle industry because she knew she wanted to be a part of it. She found Cuddle Sanctuary and was ready to sign up. Then she saw the RSVP list – mostly men.
“I’ll admit I was hesitant. I was worried that I’d feel beholden to the men there – that as a woman I would get swallowed alive by male need.” Fei – badass that she is – faced her fears and had an amazing, and I would say life changing experience. But the journey from learning about the event to actually walking through the door was a tricky one.
Once a woman makes it through our doorway, she’s in safe and excellent hands. We have guidelines and practices that create a strong feeling of autonomy, choice and empowerment. But none of that matters if women don’t walk through the door. In two weeks, I’ll publish a “Women’s Guide for Attending Cuddle Events.” Don’t miss it!
“…swallowed alive by male need.” Yep. I have yet to see actual research on this, but I tend to think that men are more frequently lonely than women are, even if both sexes are equally touch-starved. There’s a kind of “model of male excellence” character that I’ve seen portrayed in media such as A Boy And His Dog, The Road Warrior, and Fallout 3 of a man living far from people, with no human connections, accompanied only by a dog, who is likely also male. This is romanticized male independence, and freedom from conforming to others’ (female or otherwise) expectations. He has power without people, which in real life, would translate to him being a homeless man with a dog. While the media often endeavors to get the man human connections, in the end he’ll have his “stress-free” independence, and thus his power again.
“The One”: It’s also practical to have male main characters in video games and movies be single and alone, or to have his family killed off, ostensibly to spur him to action, but really to remove the “limitation” of human connections so that he can go all-out, action movie style. A one-man army. I don’t think I’ve even heard of a playable video game character starting out with a wife (or husband). And since almost all playable video game characters are male, they constitute a lot of examples of single males triumphing over challenges without having or needing any human connections.
This is utterly unrealistic, of course. Humans are gregarious and social, and we’re built like that: we’re essentially incapable of surviving without societies. So the promotion of independence as power seems to me to be promoting weakness and loneliness by pushing boys and men to be something that doesn’t really exist. It’s like little girls who want to be princesses when they grow up.
Chris – I missed your amazing commentary until just now. THANK YOU for your insights and references. I haven’t heard your perspective before – it’s really helpful. I’m so glad I found this today!