How to Get the Most Out of Cuddle Workshops

Cuddle workshops are a cornucopia of rich experiences. They can be connective, playful, contemplative, soothing, eye-opening, silly, meditative… sometimes all at the same time!

I’ve attended well over 100 workshops, and no two events have been the same. Some have been life-changing, full of profound moments and growth, some were deeply healing and calming, and others have been just… well, nice.

Of course, events vary slightly based on the leadership style of each facilitator. However, within the consistent container, safety, structure and essence of these events, I’ve noticed that the difference has less to do with how the workshop was run, or who was there. It had everything to do with where I was mentally and emotionally at the time, and how I chose to use the space.

Experience has taught me

I’ll always leave with a positive experience (and I have showed up many times worried that I wouldn’t, even though I’ve no reason to)
The space is what I make of it: it gives back 10 times what I put in
There’s always more to learn no matter how many I’ve attended

Whether you’ve never attended a workshop before, and are looking to for some guidance on how to get started, or if you’ve attended a bajillion workshops (boy that’s a lot!) and are looking to deepen your practice and experience further, this guide is intended to help you find continued fulfillment and joy from our events, and outside of them too.

The Practice

I now look at cuddling now as a practice. It’s an ongoing journey and exercise of growth and self-improvement. This cuddle practice has little or nothing to do with technique. It’s about harnessing the potency of touch, intimacy, consent and connection, and applying it to life in a broader scope.

Just like picking up a musical instrument, mindless repetition doesn’t result in mastery. All it does is develop a habit, for better or worse. Moving towards mastery requires us to fully notice what is going on, to experiment and make adjustments where needed. And then, you can repeat what works a few times still it sticks and is committed to muscle memory. But wait, there’s more! The learning is never completed. To continue growing, you have to subtly increase the challenge, rinse and repeat. This is a journey that demands patience.

But with practice over time, not only will you master the techniques and skills, but the same “notes” that you’ve been playing over and over will also take on new depth and meaning.

The same principles apply to cuddling as a practice. Coming back consistently is a good baseline to begin with. Beyond that, here are a few suggestions in taking a deeper dive so you can cuddle like a pro.

1) Come with an intention

Just like attending a yoga class, I find that sessions are most rewarding when I come with an intention. It’s impossible to feel like you got what you wanted if you didn’t know what you wanted in the first place. The focus allows me to create purpose, which make events more memorable and fulfilling for me.

Here are some intentions I have come with or have seen attendees bring:

Getting touch!
Being present and in the moment
Sitting fully with the feelings of saying and/or receiving a “No thank you”
Letting go
Learning to receive
Being open to connection
Listening to the body
Allowing for complete selfishness for the purpose of self-care

And the list goes on. Maybe your intention could be to not have one!

I love focusing on intentions instead of goals. Goals are result-driven. When you set a goal, success happens when you achieve it. Intentions, however, are more about bringing along focused attention to the moment, while allowing the present to unfold just as it is without being attached to the outcome. So where goals about the destination, intentions are more about the journey.

2) Listen to your body

Cuddles are a very embodied practice. We spend so much time in our heads and in our minds, that the opportunity to sink and really be in our bodies can feel like truly breathing for the first time. Touch brings attention to our bodies instead of our minds and is a big part of what makes this so meditative.

In order to support this dive into relaxation and rejuvenation, we must first establish a baseline of physical comfort. Here are a few things that help:

Bring comfortable clothing. Come fresh and clean (or freshen up while you’re here). That way you don’t have to be worried about having others close, and what you’re wearing brings comfort instead of distraction. I find loose fitting clothing to be most comfortable: think PJs or yoga class.

Use the Body and Breath segment. We lead a couple of exercises to tune into breathing and movement during every cuddle. It can be extremely helpful to let go of the day and really connect to the present. Soak up the moment. Use it as a time to notice and practice knowing what your body is asking from you. You don’t have to do the suggested exercise, you can simply do what works for you.

S-l-o-w down. Allow yourself to really luxuriate while you’re here. Slow your caresses down by 50%. Pause often. Take your time when moving around the room. This invites your body into a deeper state of relaxation.

Check in frequently. Take frequent moments throughout the evening to ask yourself: “How am I feeling now?”, “What would make this even better?”, “Is there something I still want or need?”. When you take the time to listen to your inner response and take action to provide for it, a rapport of trust will begin to develop. Your body will thank you for listening, and will communicate even more clearly to you in the future.

Enjoy the silence. The conversations we have at Cuddle Sanctuary are some of the best! But for contrast, try integrating moments of peace and quiet into the cuddle. Maybe take a moment at the Solo Salon to enjoy some alone time. Talking keeps the brain busy, and can be a distraction from the present. Quiet can bring us back into our bodies and into the here and now.

Don’t forget to breathe. Try noticing your breathing while you’re cuddling. Slow your breaths down even more. Inhale deeply, and feel your body expand and relax with each breath. You can also focus in on the breathing of the person you’re cuddling with, or even match your breathing with them. You may find that it enhances your connection with that person even further.

3) Be Socially Proactive

Community, friendship, and connection are cornerstones of the experience at Cuddle Sanctuary. For many of us, coming to events feels like coming home to spend time with family, and you’ll be missing out if you exclude yourself from it.

Especially if you’re a newcomer, folding yourself into an established group can feel extremely intimidating. However, you can come expecting a roomful of warm and open hearted folks. We also work really hard at giving you tools to feel empowered to engage socially while you’re here. Here are some things you can do:

Use the Buddy Bench. This is a wonderful place to sit as an invitation for companionship and connection, and it doesn’t require words! Even if you’re a regular, give it a shot. It’s a fun experiment to see who will come find you and what you will create together.

Ask to join a group. It can sometimes be easy to feel excluded from a group that is blissfully snuggling together. They look so happy that you just don’t want to impose yourself on them and disrupt the bliss. I get that. The truth is, though, that many groups wish for nothing more than for more people to join in! Yes, there’s a chance that you’ll hear a “No, thank you”, but if you don’t ask, you have a 100% chance of not being included! I also guarantee you that you will find many other “Yes”es in the room. All it takes is to be a vulnerable for a few moments, and ask. If you’ve ever found yourself in the middle of a spoon train, you know: it’s worth it!!!

Connect with someone new. I recently learned from one of our regulars that he always uses the “Paired Practice” time to connect with a newcomer. I thought that was very sweet and a great idea! Use this time as an opportunity to make a new friend, or experience a cuddle from their perspective. I have also found that “showing the ropes” to a newcomer is very gratifying and builds my confidence in any social setting.

Add your voice to the circle. Any time you add a comment to our discussions, or share a bit of yourself during our opening and closing circles, you’re allowing yourself to be an important part of the group. We love hearing from you. It helps us to get to know who you are, so chime in and share!

Come back again and again. It’s certainly difficult to feel like strangers after cuddling. We often leave feeling like old friends. You can enhance this feeling even more by attending regularly. Coming back again and again allows us to know you better, and to develop a deeper sense of kinship with you. Perhaps you’ll feel that way about the group too!

4) Challenge Yourself

After I attended my first cuddle, I came home realizing that I had spent the entire time staying within my comfort zone. I had offered touch to everyone, instead of asking for it, and I allowed others to take the lead. It was when I came back again and again to practice doing the things I was not so good at – even when that was scary – that my life really changed.

Here’s my suggestion: follow your discomfort. The things that make us uncomfortable is exactly where our growth edge is. Pushing a little bit past that opens you to vulnerability which leads to transformation. Trying new things, particularly things we’ve been avoiding out of fear are a sure-fire way to shake up the scripts we live with that keep us from growing.

There is no safer space that a sanctuary like ours to really experiment. Of course, tune in to yourself to know when to follow that edge, and when to give yourself a break and just be! That being said, here a few options of things you can practice:

Try a new activity
Approach others and ask for exactly what you want
While being touched, make requests to adjust it exactly to your liking
Practice receiving; see how long you can go without feeling guilt or shame
Commit to saying “No” unless you’re an instantaneous “Hell yes”
Say “No” to everyone and sit with how that feels
Try to receive as many “No”s as possible and sit with how that feels
Reach out to cuddle or connect with someone you are not attracted to
Approach someone you think is uninterested in spending time with you.
Experiment with new positions and see if you like them

What are some of your favorite ways to challenge yourself at a cuddle?

5) Give Yourself Permission

Sometimes, permission can be the ultimate challenge. Know that at Cuddle Sanctuary, you can allow yourself to be just as you are. You can be anti-social, excited and talkative, feeling low, in the mood to spoon with only one person the entire evening… all of that is welcome.

Only want to spend time with people you already know tonight? Sure! Want to start a dance party? Why not! As long as you stay within the guidelines, give yourself full permission to be exactly where you are and do what you want!

There isn’t a single correct way to attend a cuddle. This is a space to be connected to and enjoyed in an infinite number of ways. As long as you’re respecting your own boundaries and the boundaries of others, you can’t go wrong.

So, what journey would you like to have in your next cuddle event?