I really like getting what I want.
I especially like getting what I want when I want it.
Well, this makes hearing “No” really challenging at times. In fact, I’ve often gone out of my way to avoid those difficult feelings of rejection by not asking for what I want in the first place.
Can you relate?
(Oh phew! I’m so glad it’s not just me.)
Hearing “No” Can Be Done Enthusiastically?!
It’s at Cuddle Sanctuary where I first was introduced to the idea of celebrating another person’s “No”.
Our Guideline #5 is “Respect the boundaries of others (ideally with enthusiasm).”
Here, I was taught to receive a “No” with a kind response, our favorite being “Thank you for taking care of yourself”.
That. Blew. My. Mind.
Having lots of practice saying and hearing “No” in this safe arena has changed my life.
I previously shared 3 Ways to Get Better at Saying “No”. Today I’d love to share with you 6 ways to get better at hearing “No”.
I call this the “NO FEAR” method of navigating boundaries with less fear of rejection.
Notice judgment
Ownership
Feel
Expectations
Abundance
Reframing
Notice Judgment
When I feel challenged by the boundaries and limitations of others, it’s often because my first response is judgment. I judge myself for wanting too much. I blame the other person for withholding, and criticize them for not being more generous. Sometimes, I judge myself for not being good enough to get a yes.
When the first wave of difficult feelings around rejection comes up, take a step back and observe where judgement is coming up for you. Ask yourself if you can set it aside for a moment. This makes room for validating your needs, as as well as the needs of the other person.
Ownership
Next, ask yourself what is yours to own and what isn’t.
At this point, I’m reminded that the other person is responsible for their experience (and their experience only), and I am responsible for my own.
This actually sucks.
What would be nice is for other people to be responsible for how we feel, so we can put the burden of our well being on them. Realizing that our feelings are our responsibility can feel really lonely at first, but it can also be really liberating.
Knowing that the other person is just doing what they’re supposed to do (take care of themselves), helps redirect our focus onto taking care of ourselves. It also helps ease the feeling of being abandoned when we realize it wasn’t their job in the first place.
Feel
The key to making friends with rejection is to get comfortable with the pain and discomfort of not getting what we want. This is the hardest step.
I’ve found lots of creative ways to get around feeling this pain! I’ll sometimes get mad and blame the other person. Other times, I’ll just refuse to take no for an answer and try to negotiate and push my way into getting what I want. All this is done in avoidance of feeling sad.
Actually, those are all of the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
It takes courage to pause and allow all of these emotions to come up. So much of the world is beyond our control and that brings up inevitable feelings of helplessness. Yet, the more practiced we are with sitting with it, the quicker we can move through into acceptance with each new situation.
Expectations
It’s often our unacknowledged expectations that blindside us when we don’t get what we want. Often, these expectations are hidden even from ourselves.
Practice noticing what you’re expecting as you make your requests. Once you’re able to name the nuanced desires behind what you want, your asks will become much more “clean” and unfettered. It frees the giver from having to meet hidden needs and can support us in relinquishing our need to control outcomes.
Abundance
When we hear a “No”, especially when we’ve heard it more than once, it can feel like we will never get what we want. This mindset of scarcity is easy to fall into. And yet, it’s much easier to hear a “No” from someone if you truly believe that there is a “Yes” for you somewhere else.
The world is a very big place, and there absolutely will be someone who wants what you do and will be a “Hell Yes” to your request.
Ultimately, believing this makes the world more full of possibility and takes the sting out of single instances of limitation and rejection.
Reframing
It helps to reframe the meaning behind each “No”. I like to avoid using the word “rejection” and think of it as a “refusal” instead. This disentagles my worth from each request or offer that I make, and simply makes it about the request in and of itself.
When I’ve done the grueling work of learning to feel secure in my own enough-ness, I become less dependant on others for validation through these subversive requests. I create safe places for me to ask for and receive validation so that my requests and offers to everyone else can be just that.
This is easier said than done, of course, but really makes a huge difference in how I make my way through the world.
Patience and Practice
These days, I have a relatively easy time asking for what I want and hearing “No” at cuddle events. But I still need practice applying these skills gracefully in other contexts.
The good news is that practice opportunities abound! Besides cuddling, I’ve used these skills through dating, relationships and breakups, applying for jobs, putting creative work out there etc.
Not getting what I want still comes with disappointment and pain, but it’s less devastating than it used to be. Now, I am more patient with myself, and feel less afraid of the outcome. At the end of the day, I am much more empowered to get what I need.