“I already love you unconditionally.”
That’s the opening line of my professional cuddling profile.
Sure, it’s a little cheesy. But I sincerely mean this, and believe it to be true.
Love and acceptance has always come easily for me. It’s why I became a professional cuddler in the first place. All my experiences with clients had confirmed this too. No one was too strange, too broken, or too anything for me to love.
And then one day, a client stepped through my door that I didn’t like.
My Walls Came Up
When Max* (not his real name) first strode into my apartment, he was exuberant and eager. With a big grin on his face, he greeted me with familiarity. Too much familiarity.
His first move was to launch right into me with a big bear hug. And then, mid embrace – without warning – I was picked up, and swung around.
Whooooaaa there!
He’d been so looking forward to this, he told me while petting my arm.
My insides shriveled up into a cringe. My dislike for him was so big and so surprising, it felt like a slap in the face. I was stunned
I didn’t even know I had a bubble — I thought I came into every cuddling session without much of one. My whole job is to invite people to get close to me, after all. I’m usually pretty open and comfortable with touch. And somehow, I felt like my personal bubble had just been burst and all my personal space and autonomy squashed.
The Source of My Discomfort
At first I was confused. But then I realized why I was uncomfortable. I felt claimed. Owned, like a piece of property. Even though we’d had a pleasant phone conversation before, this person was a stranger to me. That disparity between how he felt towards me vs. how I felt towards him in this moment was pretty large and unacknowledged.
If he had been cautious or shy, like most of my first-time clients are, I would’ve thrown my arms and heart wide open. But in his presumption of my comfort, I felt unconsidered and unseen. My own need for safety disregarded and trampled over. Where I would usually be open, I now felt closed.
For someone as hell bent on loving everything and everyone as I was, this was a wholly unfamiliar emotion. It felt even more foreign in this particular context.
At that point in my life, it had never occurred to me that I would ever meet anyone I didn’t like this much. And now I would have to cuddle them?!
Disappointed, I berated myself for not being as unconditionally loving as I had claimed.
My Inner Coercive Voice
I tried bringing in empathy. In my head, I listed all the reasons why I should be ok with everything he was doing.
He’s just excited and new to this, the agreeable part of myself reasoned. He’s touch starved and just likes you a lot. It’s all platonic and he hasn’t done anything wrong. He deserves to get what he so desperately wants.
Then a more sinister voice inside me cooed, He paid you for this. Now that he’s your customer, you need to please him and be a yes to everything. You owe him pleasantness and access to touch you.
But deep in my body, there was a part of me that knew that this was not ok. And it manifested itself as a bitter aversion I just couldn’t shake.
The Three Choices
At this point, I had a few options.
One, I could fake it till I made it. Or just fake it, period. Take a deep breath, grit my teeth, paste on sweetness and a smile and just get through the 90 mins we had scheduled. Maybe I’d have to redirect some unwanted touch, but I could tolerate the rest and take a shower and burn sage or something after to wash the ickiness off. And if he ever reached out for a session again, I could politely decline, make up excuses to not see him, or just awkwardly ghost him.
We see this being modeled all the time, with difficult customers or on bad dates. People survive somehow. There were good reasons why I could choose this, but I wanted something different.
Another alternative I had, was to pull the brakes and stop everything right then and there. I would offer him a refund and say something like, “Hey, I’m so grateful you came all this way but now that we’re here in person, I realize something about our interaction doesn’t work for me. I don’t think I could be fully comfortable cuddling with you and I know you deserve better than that.”
Frankly though, I had never done this before, and it felt so scary I probably wasn’t considering it as an option in the moment.
There was another option. I could continue with the session, keep trying to harness that genuine unconditional positive regard, but communicate my needs by making requests and setting boundaries. Stay in connection, while bringing forward as much kindness and authenticity as I could muster.
I chose option three.
Cuddling – with Boundaries
I stepped back and took a deep breath.
“Actually, Max, I prefer to be asked first. Would you ask me before picking me up so I get to choose?”
“Oh, okay.” He pouted a little. “Sorry… Can I hug you and pick you up?”
I let out a sigh of relief. Being asked made such a huge difference inside of me.
“Yes, you can.” I was wholehearted in my answer.
And on the session continued in this way.
I asked him to use the Ask & Wait Method all throughout the session. He’d make a verbal request and wait for an answer before touching. I didn’t do this in most of my sessions – I generally prefer flow and spontaneity. But this was what I needed today to slow things down enough to get comfortable.
“Oooh, I didn’t hear you ask,” I would remind him on occasion.
We held hands, spooned, and embraced. At one point, we even rolled around in fits of laughter.
I also said “No” a lot.
“Would you lay on top of me?”
“Would you breathe in my ear?”
“Can I tickle you?”
Sometimes I was a flat out no. On occasion, my answer would change later as I felt more comfortable. Other times, we found an alternative that worked for both of us.
Every time I set a boundary or made a request, he would grumble a little, but he would always comply. It wasn’t perfect, but I still felt safe being with him.
We talked about what it was like for him to hear no from me.
“Well, it’s disappointing. But I guess I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
I expressed my gratitude for him honoring my boundaries. “I feel safer and more real with you this way.”
Then, I shared with him the pact I had silently made with myself and him. “I’m not allowed to do anything that I’m uncomfortable with. And I won’t let anything happen in the session that makes me dislike you or resent you.”
I meant it, and it worked.
The Other Side of Boundaries
Doing a session like this wasn’t easy. I felt an immense amount of guilt for not being more generous and ok with everything. I wanted desperately for him have everything he wanted. There was a fear inside of me for being too “prudish”. I wanted to be liked by him, and had no idea how he could like me when I had these many limitations.
Yet, allowing myself to always be at choice offered me a feeling of empowerment and safety. In this realm, there was nothing to tolerate. Nothing to dislike. Only things I was happy and willing to do.
It was only from this place that I could access the fullness of my generosity and love. As the session unfolded, I began to see him with eyes of endearment.
He was no longer an inconsiderate or predatorial person crossing my boundaries – because I didn’t let him. I was now in control of what did or didn’t happen to me, and it took the feeling of uneasiness out of our interaction.
As I connected to him from this place of strength, I began to see his inner child more clearly. Curious and eager, but sorely neglected and needing to be lovingly taught how to have empathy for others.
I would do this with a 5 year old any day, and I did this for him.
I held his hand, and showed him how to be with me: by respecting my boundaries.
Fast Forward to Today
It’s been a couple of years since Max and I first met. We’ve seen each other many times since then. He still looks forward to our sessions like it’s Christmas. Even with all my boundaries, and the things he would like that I can’t offer him, our sessions have been deeply impactful and meaningful to him.
And I have to say, I don’t dislike him anymore. Instead, I feel a fierce fondness, and a deep sense of care towards him.
We don’t use the Ask and Wait Method in session anymore now that I’ve gotten more familiar and comfortable with him. But I do request that he asks before picking me up mid-hug.
I still say “No” plenty, but am also a big “Hell Yes!” to working with him.
There’s a closeness between us because we’ve been through something together. Even if that something was traversing my ‘no’.
Listening to My Limits
I used to imagine that I could become a kind of saint who had so much love and compassion that I could accept anything and everything.
Nowadays, I’ve learned to listen to the limited, human, places inside of me that are not all accepting and all loving. Where I used to shun dislike, anger, or resentment inside of me, I treat them with respect now. They are all signals to me that my boundaries and needs need to be heard, seen, and met.
Instead of coercing myself into being more agreeable and bypassing those negative feelings, I listen carefully. I’ve come to lovingly accept those parts of myself and advocate for them. Through this act of self-love, I have a much larger capacity to love others.
Even when I don’t like them at first.
