I’ve spent most of my life trying to be a grown-up.

As a kid, that was my ticket to freedom. I couldn’t wait to grow up! As an adult, that was my doorway to legitimacy. One day, I would act like grown ups should, and then I would belong.

Here’s what I thought being grown up meant: self-sufficiency. In my expectations, to be a true adult meant that I would have all of my s*** handled, and not need anything from others.

 

I Grew Up, Now What?

Well, here I am in my mid-thirties. Still young, sure, but an adult by most every measure — except the one I had set for myself.

It’s true that I’m a lot more self-sufficient than I used to be. With lots more experiences and skills under my belt, I’ve got a much better handle on what I need and how to take care of it. But I don’t have all my ducks in a row at all. I still make a ton of mistakes. I’ve grown on some fronts and stayed stuck in others. And I definitely still have a ton of needs.

I haven’t outgrown the need to feel special. I still need validation from others. There are so very many things I require help with to get done. And I definitely still need lots of hugs.

At the end of the day, I’m just a kid that got older.

 

Embarrassed by Our Neediness

So many clients I see carry a burden of shame when they arrive at my door.

“I can’t believe I’m paying for hugs,” they’ll say.

It feels like a weakness to want to be hugged. And then there’s the double whammy of having to pay for it.

I get it.

I see how we’ve ingested the messages we’ve been fed that our needs are too much. That the only way to be safe and belong is to be “strong” and need less.

But I don’t see needing as weakness. Strength to me isn’t the absence of need, it is the presence to it.

The clients I see aren’t people who have failed at being self-sufficient. On the contrary, these are folks who are active participants in their own care.  They were in-tune enough to notice their wants and needs. They’ve stepped up and taken ownership for it through action and recruiting others to help, even if it feels unconventional.

Everyday, I’m learning from these vulnerable folks what it means to be courageous.

 

Fumbling My Way Through Adulthood

I’m still figuring this grown-up thing up for myself. It seems this was never really something to achieve to begin with. It just happened with time.

Maybe being an adult simply means being human – just a slightly older one. It means being a mammal, with mammalian needs and wants.

It means that I need hugs, and always will. And that’s ok.

I’m learning that it’s ok to ask for them, too.