A few weeks ago, a woman whose name I didn’t recognize in my Facebook feed described a conversation she had with her school age boy. Her son told her that he in some way communicated to a girl that he liked her. Maybe he asked her to be his girlfriend. The girl said “No.” So the mom asked her son, “Do you know what to do now?” And he said, “I know, I know don’t give up, keep asking her out, and never quit.” She was shocked. “No son…Leave her alone. She said No. Move on.” The boy said, “Oooohhh.”
Are the lessons that boys learn counter productive? Dangerous?
It’s not surprising that this boy thought that his masculine role was to be persistent. The culture does its best to teach this to boys and men. Be rugged, be brave, be persistent, never give up. These lessons when used in the right context can create endurance, resilience and success. Applied in the wrong situation these lessons can creates stalkers.
Why wouldn’t this boy and countless men be confused about how to respond to “rejection”? In popular culture, song lyrics wax poetic about not letting go when a woman says No. In the 80’s Sting wrote the quintessential “I won’t give up” song:
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you
Scary – but this isn’t just a bygone phenomenon. Last month, an article was published on Spinditty called 132 Songs About Stalkers and Obsession. So if you wonder where bad ideas are coming from, you have only to turn to Spotify for some answers. This is the cultural soup we are simmering in.
Wait a minute. It’s not just men.
You may be thinking right now, what about the feminine part of the equation? Don’t women play “hard to get?” Don’t a lot of women play games? Don’t some women say No when really they just need some convincing? Sigh. Women have also been taught by the culture some unfortunate lessons. And these aren’t just U.S. lessons or Western civilization lessons. This is bigger than that.
One day at a Korean day spa, I saw projected on one of the big screens in the community room a Korean soap opera. It looked a lot like an American soap opera. Two beautiful actors were playing out a love seen that was nauseatingly familiar. He was approaching her for a kiss. She turned away and acted noncommittal for the camera. He came closer. She acted less and less interested and a little wounded. He touched his lips to hers. She at first had no response and eventually kissed him back. The music swelled to a romantic crescendo. This was meant to show the epitomy of sexy gender relations.
What a load of crap! The woman has to pretend she has no desire in order to be feminine and appealing. How are men supposed to proceed if we’ve all been taught by the popular culture that a tepid response to his advances will at some future moment turn into consent? I’d pay $100 to see that male actor back away and look at her for a moment. He’d say in Korean as the English subtitles scroll at the bottom of the screen, “You don’t seem to be interested in this. Shall we do something else? Parcheesi?”
Desire, gender and confusion
We live in confusing times, don’t we? Where one gender is pressured to escalate touch and the other is pressured to not show desire for it. (I’m not even including in this blog the huge issue of trauma that so many of us have experienced. I’m also not including the added complexities for non-binary and gender fluid people.)
At Cuddle Sanctuary Socials we seek to simplify things. We make a practice of being honest and taking each other at face value. No means No. Yes means Yes. And then there’s the wonderful option to change one’s mind at any time for any reason. We’re offering a haven where we can get straight answers and practice being honest with ourselves and each other. My hope is that we can take these lessons and apply them liberally to the rest of the world.