Last week I received an email that challenged me. The author generously invited me to share our correspondence. I’ve changed his name to Shane:

Hi Jean,

I have a difficult situation, and that is I have been in a relationship for many years, but my partner has never been a cuddler. Touch is just not her thing (platonic or sexual), and yet I’m very tactile. We have discussed “therapy” but it’s perceived as my problem.

For me, I feel that cuddling is the most natural thing in the world, and I recently attended a few “cuddle club” sessions, but without my partner knowing. Strangely, it feels so wonderful after all these years to be hugged, and that I have few feelings of guilt. I have also met privately with one of the other attendees, to cuddle. Both of us have an identical experience, of being in a long term relationship without the ability to share hugs and cuddles. So far, it’s been about six months since we started meeting.

We are both aware of the potential dangers of a more private setting, and have established boundaries that neither of us wish to be contravened. We seem to be very good at sticking to them. We have no intention of “falling in love” and have both spoken of how we love our partners, but we’re both worried that our respective relationships would fail due to the lack of physical contact. We actually perceive that our new cuddle relationship, if managed properly, will help us both keep sane, and allow our own existing relationships to continue. For both of us, our partners have long ago simply become “companions”. But I discovered over many years, there is nothing so lonely as laying next to someone who is not interested in touching you. I had come close to leaving my partner, but now I feel I can keep going in that relationship, only because my need for hugs and cuddle is being met elsewhere.

I guess I am troubled because I “ought” to feel more guilt, perhaps? And yet I don’t see this as “cheating” or “infidelity.” Both myself and my cuddle partner have shared that, if one day we got “carried away,” and went too far, both of us would feel very bad about it, we would regret it and that “would” be cheating. It would probably end our cuddle relationship immediately. Having discussed it, it feels like we have both established a boundary we are sure neither of us wish to cross.

Having said all this, I wonder whether we are unique. Are there people out there who are in relationships who attend cuddle parties or have cuddle buddies without their long term partner knowing? And if so, what do you think or advise about all this. I know I could not go back to the way things were, before I had my cuddle partner. I was bereft and my heart physically ached, yet now I feel comfortable and calm, and satisfied.  

I’d love to hear whether mine is a common experience.  

Many thanks,

Shane

I felt torn when considering a reply because I’m biased.

Once upon a time I sacrificed my need for satisfying touch in a relationship and was very unhappy. I was also codependent and I just couldn’t leave my boyfriend. Being stuck like this was agonizing for me.

One day, at long last, I broke up with him. It felt like removing an organ from my own body with a knife and no anesthesia. I think it’s the most important thing I’ve ever done for myself.

I now live with a guiding boundary: I won’t remain in an intimate relationship if the touch is not compatible. I want to be known by those closest to me and if I have to lie about something this important, I would feel like my partner doesn’t fully know me. That’s something I can no longer tolerate.

My journey is different from Shane’s.

Here are some ways in which my life path is unique. I don’t rely on a partner financially and can leave a relationship without worrying about money. I don’t have young children to consider as I make my decisions about whether to leave or go. I have social support for whatever lifestyle I choose. I’ve had the luxury of years of therapy. I live in a progressive city.

Though it’s tempting for me to place myself on a high horse and say, “Only honesty is acceptable!” This would be unfair and myopic.

Here’s my email back.

Shane,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt email. You’ve had to make some hard decisions to take care of yourself and I deeply respect your journey.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the blogs I’ve written that speak of these painful issues. If not, here they are:

My partner won’t touch me         

My partner doesn’t want me to attend cuddle events

I hope this helps you know that your issues are not uncommon. I commend you for finding a solution that’s not perfect, but from what I understand makes sense for your situation.

Jean

So is this man cheating?

One way to look at this is that it depends on the relationship agreements he has with his wife.

Have they agreed to sexual fidelity?

Have they agreed to sensual fidelity?

Have they agreed to emotional fidelity?

I think many couples don’t discuss these specifics and instead make assumptions. It’s quite possible that one partner believes that sexual fidelity is the marital commitment. If an enduring secret relationship is revealed, the other partner may feel betrayed by what’s deemed as an “emotional infidelity.”

Maybe I’m asking the wrong question.

Is Shane doing the best he can given his circumstances?

Is Shane trying to find harmony in what feels like an impossible situation?

Is labeling people – even those I may disagree with – the healthiest way for me to make sense of my world?

How about  you?

Are you or someone you know struggling with something similar?

There are members of our Cuddle Sanctuary community who engage in “consensual extramarital platonic cuddling.” (Fun phrase, huh?) How do they do it? It takes courage, trust and transparency. If you’d like to learn how it can be done, here’s a helpful book recommendation: Opening Up. Technically, this is a guide for couples who want to “open up” their relationships sexually. Yet the issues that may emerge for couples – such as jealousy or fear of abandonment – are the same.

Is there a moral to this story?

Shane’s letter challenged my own black and white thinking. Though it’s comforting to be able to categorize things into buckets of right and wrong, it may be more accurate to instead say, “It’s complicated.” Life is complex, nuanced and messy.