Have I told you that sometimes I get invited to speak at universities to give sex education talks? (I probably already told you because I’m so proud of that fact!) I treasure the opportunities when they come my way. Last year I presented at Idaho State University. The student population – I was told – was very conservative and mostly Mormon. Here’s the auditorium before the group arrived. (Over a hundred chairs – I was excited!):

They invited me back!

That presentation went swimmingly and last month I was invited to return. It felt great to be back! I gave my talk called “Sex After #MeToo.” My plan was to again build credibility with the students so that we could have an authentic give and take. We talked about decision-making when it comes to picking partners, safer sex conversations and consent. I also included the “No Thank You” activity that we do every week at Cuddle Sanctuary Orientation. That way everyone who attends the talk gets to practice setting and hearing boundaries.

Feeling pretty proud of myself

I was packing up my things and thinking about the celebratory Chinese food dinner I had planned for myself later in my hotel room when three students came up to ask me a question. I take pride in my ability to be quick on my feet and provide good responses extemporaneously:

Got a question about STI’s? I’ve got answers! 

Curious about how the use of intoxicants impacts your choices? I’ve got things to say! 

I was baffled and not very useful

The male-presenting person in the group was the one with the query: 

“How do I protect myself from false accusations?”

I was caught off guard. I looked at him and said earnestly, “Just be a good man.” I looked at him again. He seemed to be a thoughtful, sensitive human. So I added with knowing encouragement and a smile, “You’ll be fine.”

A triggered teacher

I don’t think I did any harm with my tepid response, but I know that I missed something important. The next morning at the airport, I tried to sort it out. That’s when I realized I was pissed. I didn’t have an answer for that concerned student because – in my thinking – “It was a stupid-fucking-question.” 

I was angry because I was triggered. Last year – actually one year ago today – I shared with you that I had been assaulted. The assault happened four years before, but the #MeToo movement helped me see the incident in a new light. My “memory crisis” actually happened two days after the Kavanaugh hearings.

I’m glad I didn’t take any anger out on this student, but I really wanted to be able to answer this question usefully if it came up again. I had work to do.

I let myself (safely) rant

First, I did a writing exercise and allowed myself to purge with words. On the page. I wrote a response to the question from the perspective of my anger and hurt. Here’s my retort:

False accusations are rare. It’s like getting struck by lightning. It’s not the best place for your attention. Instead, come to terms with the painful reality that you live in a safer, more comfortable world than your sisters. You didn’t create the problem, but your naivety (as evidenced by your worry to protect yourself rather than a worry to protect your truly and seriously in danger sisters) perpetuates the problem. Your head is in the wrong game.

It felt satisfying to write this. “That’ll teach him!” I imagined. The victimized woman within me loved having the perfect response, all the intelligent words right on the tip of her tongue. “Next time, this is what I could say,” I fantasized with righteous indignation.

Half baked

Ranting was only part of the process. The wiser woman within me knows that when someone asks a question – which is a demonstration of vulnerability – a response like the one above will only shut that person down. I might feel a small vindication from my earlier powerlessness (an assault he had nothing to do with) but the golden opportunity that his question posed will remain unmined.

Cliffhanger

In my next blog, I’ll share with you who I turned to for council and how I will handle this question in the future. : – )