If you’ve attended a cuddle event before – or even if you haven’t – you probably know the feelings of nervousness or awkwardness a first-time attendee may experience. We’ve all been newbies once!
While it’s most likely that you’ll settle in and have a blissful experience making friends and sharing lots of hugs and cuddles, it’s common to have a bit of an adjustment period as you orient and gather courage to dive in.
Recently, a regular attendee asked:
What should I do in response to seeing a newcomer sitting alone?
What a great question!
He went on to describe instances where he was completely comfortable where he was, but felt guilt when he noticed a first-timer by themselves. In some cases, he noticed some would leave early.
On first glance, this can look like a failure. But at Cuddle Sanctuary we have a different outlook.
What’s my job as an attendee?
At Cuddle Sanctuary, our philosophy is that your job is first and foremost to take care of yourself. That means it’s up to you to participate in the way that you want and need. You can choose to sit out and observe, or be brave and make offers or ask for what you want. We ask that you say “yes” or “no” authentically to any offers you may get.
Along with that, it means that if you’re comfortable where you are, you can be a “no” to going elsewhere for any reason. This includes taking care of someone else who might appreciate it. You get to stay there without any guilt.
This also means that it’s your job to work through that feeling of guilt or social obligation. That can take a bit of time and practice. We’re so used to defining our value from the things we do and how much we contribute. If you’re taking care of yourself, however, that’s one more cared-for at the event. That’s a pretty big contribution if you ask me!
Sometimes taking care of yourself also means leaving early – for any reason at all. Folks leave early because they’ve filled up on all the cuddles they need, some leave because they have an early morning ahead, or another appointment to make. And sometimes, folks leave because the cuddle event is just not their jam.
What isn’t my job as an attendee?
Now this is the tough part: it’s not your job to make sure other people are having a good time. Everyone else’s experience is their own responsibility. This can feel difficult to accept because we’re socially conditioned that it is our job to make others happy. It’s also easier to blame or credit others for our experience, than to take ownership of it ourselves. Here, we have a unique opportunity to play with approaching things in a different way.
There’s also another piece.
Believe it or not, as an attendee, it’s also not your job to have a good time. Your job is to be with whatever experience you are having, if that feels joyful and playful, or challenging and edgy. We share Cuddle Party’s philosophy that tears and laughter are welcome.
For some cuddlers, the most valuable experiences they’ve had at Cuddle Sanctuary have come from being challenged. Their difficult experiences were catalysts for important change in their life. We wouldn’t want to take that opportunity away from anyone, by limiting our view of success to only happy, blissful experiences.
We’re here for you!
If you’re a newbie or looking to join us, don’t worry. You won’t be left to sink or swim. We take great care in creating an environment that is both empowering and inviting. We teach you how to make the best use of the space during orientation. There’s a Solo Salon for alone time, a Buddy Bench as a way to invite connection, and there’s always a cuddle coach close by who is aware of you and your experience.
If you’re new and sitting alone, it’s quite likely that the facilitator will come by and spend some time with you. We’ll literally hold your hand if you’d like. We’re always happy to show you new cuddle positions, have a conversation, or help you figure out what you’d like to do. Along with that however, you may also notice us hanging back to give you space to find your own way around the event.
We believe that the most powerful connections are created with the other attendees, not just with the facilitator. We also choose to see you as someone who is empowered, not someone who needs to be rescued. So if you’re finding yourself alone, you can trust that we are aware of you, and that you are cared for. As you might be able to tell, the attendees see you and care about your experience too. We’re simply making space for you to have your own experience, whatever that may be. Even if it’s a little uncomfortable at first.
If you’re wanting a little support from us, we’re here! You can always approach us, or sit at the buddy bench to invite companionship. If you’re finding yourself craving more focused one-on-one attention from us, consider treating yourself to an Affection Spa.
So….do I reach out or not?
So what do you do as an attendee when you notice someone sitting alone?
First, check in with yourself about the assumptions or projections you may be making. Just because someone is sitting alone does not mean that they are uncomfortable or wanting company. In many cases, being alone in a group is a uniquely blissful experience. Sometimes, this time is needed to process some important thoughts or feelings. You may be observing them gathering up courage to make a move. Because we don’t know, we like to be very careful not to assume anything is wrong.
Second, ask yourself: would I like to connect with this person? If it is yes, by all means, make a new friend. If the answer is no, then it is your job to honor that by not extending yourself out of obligation. Trust that there are lots of others in the room who could be glad to reach out to them, including the facilitator.
Third, check in with your own generosity levels. If you’re often in a care-giving role, this may be much needed self-care time for you to recharge and not have to take care of anyone else. Give yourself the night off! However, if you’re feeling filled up and have got a little extra to give, then please do extend your regard. You can approach them, or invite them to join you and your group. For many of us, more really is merrier!
Finally, ask yourself: what do I usually do? Are you often the person who gives up what you want to care for others? Or are you usually too shy to reach out to someone new? Give doing the opposite a try, and see how that feels. It may give you a new perspective to connection that you’ve never experienced before.
Whatever you choose, trust that things work out, and allow it to be perfect as it is.
It’s very helpful to read this. I’ve attended an event for the first time on 1/5/19, and felt awkward because I didn’t know anyone. Now I feel more encouraged, and will attend another event very soon! Thank you!
Thanks for reading, Garvin!