I must admit, I like getting what I want, when I want it.
Like, a lot.
I would go as far to say that the disappointment of not getting something I deeply desire can be one of the most gut wrenchingly painful experiences for me. That feeling of lack can get so unbearable, I’ve noticed myself go out my way to avoid it.
My strategies have included:
- Turning off desire (the less I want, the less disappointed I’ll be)
- Avoiding asking for what I want (so I don’t risk hearing a “no”)
- Taking without asking (better to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?)
Can you relate to any of this?
Hearing no sucks, but I need practice
There’s lots of reasons why hearing a no can feel painful. It could be from disappointment of unmet expectations, the feeling of rejection, the frustration of not being in control, memories of deep hurt from our histories… the list goes on. Not getting what we want or need is not for the faint of heart!
And yet, here’s my ask of you: please say no to me anyway.
I may not want it, but I need it.
Be firm on your boundaries – it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself. Your honesty is a gift to me, too. It protects me from your annoyance or resentment. It frees me to only be in your life in ways that are pleasant and workable for you.
Yes, while I prefer a world where I always get exactly what I want, I get that it’s not how life works. Because of this, I need practice with learning how to deal with disappointment, without letting it shut down my desire.
Navigating my wants in a sea of lots of other people’s wants and need is a scary, messy process. The clearer you are about your boundaries, the safer the world becomes for me.
But can you let me own my feelings?
Let me reiterate my request. Please say no to me. But could you also learn to be ok with how I feel when I get that “no” from you.
Sometimes, I’ll have access to empathy and feel grateful for your clarity and honesty. Other times, I’m not going to handle it well. I might feel sad, rejected, hurt. Maybe I’ll cry, or get a little angry. Can you try to remember that it’s not about you?
It could be that I’m just hurting inside physically because the disappointment is crushing. It probably has something to do with my history. Mostly, it has to do with my relationship with not getting what I want – not the kind of person you are.
I’m adamant that how I feel is my responsibility, not yours.
At times, I forget that, but can you be kind with me anyway? I’ll always come back to owning my feelings.
Will you let me have my experience about it, and not try to fix me?
When you do that, I feel trusted as a grown-up who can handle myself. I don’t want to be placated, care-taken or tip-toed around. Would you see me as capable of holding my own? I feel respected when you do that.
Here’s what I get when you’re clear about your no.
If I could trust you to say “no” authentically, every “yes” I get from you feels that much more trustworthy. I’ll always know that what I get from you comes from a truly generous place. I also won’t be afraid to burn you out from over-giving to me. When your boundaries are clear, and you can take care of yourself, you’re offering me the freedom to want what I want without having to edit my desires to take care of you. I don’t want to placate, care-take, or have to tip-toe around you either. I’d like to connect with you confidently and with trust that we’re all going to be ok.
I breathe more deeply and move more freely knowing that I can rely on you in this way.
The world I want to live in
Can we make a deal? I’ll work to stay honest and clear about what I want and what I don’t. I’ll do my best to stay in tune with what’s going on inside of me and only say yes in a way that doesn’t build up a well of resentment to sort through later. Also, because I asked this of you, I would also like to get good at saying “No”, and learn to really be ok with how you feel about it. Will you do the same with me?
We’re not perfect, I get it. But I love this idea of getting to practice with you. This is exactly the kind of world I want to live in. Thank you for trying to be in it with me.