Every Wednesday afternoon I bike to the Santa Monica Farmer’s Market wearing a Free Hugs t-shirt. And every week I look forward to offering free hugs even though it’s hard. After I lock up my bicycle on Second Street and walk south to my routine spot next to a flower vendor, I unpack – not just the Free Hug sign from my bag – but also some of my biggest fears.

Making a fool of myself

The hardest minute for me is the first one. I am alone. I am standing still while everyone else is walking. Many shoppers are lost in thought mentally checking off their lists. And now, god help me, I am holding a sign over my head feeling like a dunce. No one notices and that feels stupid. Then a few people notice and that feels stupid, too.

I choose not to wear sunglasses so that people can see my eyes. I put on a gentle smile so I can seem as a nonthreatening as possible. I remind myself that I am choosing to make a spectacle of myself and that somehow this is a good idea. I tell myself, “There may be someone here who really needs this,” as I keep smiling and saying hello to passersby with open, peaceful body language. Breathing in and breathing out and then breathing out and breathing in.

Feeling like a loser

Middle school. Excited about this new grown-up phase of my life, I poured over Seventeen magazines to get advice on how to succeed. What I learned from the glossy fashion pages is that what mattered most is to be popular. And so I tried to figure out how like a math problem:

Hanging out at Lunch with the Right People + Wearing Designer Guess Jeans = Being Popular

That equation didn’t work. And so I tried again and again. And I learned the hard way this equation:

Trying Too Hard to be Friends with Popular Kids + Ignoring That They are Being Mean to You = Unpopular

And so holding a Free Hugs sign over my head at the Farmer’s Market reminds me of the awkward days where I didn’t fit anywhere.

Experiencing a wave of relief

But then Heather Poppe arrives with her Free Hugs sign. Heather is a farmer from San Luis Obispo. She drives three and a half hours to Santa Monica each Wednesday to sell flowers, herbs and seasonal veggies. She likes to join me for a few minutes each week during her lunch break. When I see her – all smiles and light – I want to shout to the public at large, “See people! Look! Heather’s here! I’m not a loser – this is a THING!”

And sometimes Fei comes. And several times Natasha joins. And Mac once did. And Kate, too.

And eventually a shopper comes up with her arms open and says to me, “Why not?” and we share a lovely hug. And then another comes up. And then another. And I say to them, “Thank you” for a moment’s respite from my awkwardness and they simultaneously say, “Thank you” because they’re getting a hug in the middle of their day.

Connecting with someone spontaneously and deeply

Some people come up and hug me out of the goodness of their hearts. They feel bad seeing me holding up my sign and getting no customers so they help a sister out. They are very sweet, but they are not my target. My goal is to hug someone who really, really needs it.

Last week, I left my post near the flower seller and ambled through the Farmer’s Market with my sign. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was a woman with her boyfriend. She was pointing to a another guy who looked unsuspecting. “He wants a hug,” she said. This isn’t uncommon to have someone delegate someone else in their group to receive a hug. Usually it’s as a joke.

But this guy when I asked him if he really wanted a hug answered by folding into my arms. And he stayed. And he drank it in. And we held that hug for many satisfying seconds as fruit and money changed hands all around us. And he said thank you, and it was from a place that was deep and human and real. And I said thank you  feeling high from the love of that hug.

That’s what I’m talking about!

Getting a boost of oxytocin

Why do I subject myself to awkward teenage memories and potential embarrassment each week? Partly it’s so people will ask me about Cuddle Sanctuary. I can tell them about our weekly events and get more clients through our doors.

Partly it’s as a public service – it feels good to offer something sweet for free. And partly it’s because I get a healthy dose of oxytocin – what many scientists call the hug hormone. Oxytocin is what makes a person feel blissed out after a good hug. It’s why my bike ride away from the Farmer’s Market is more dreamy and peaceful than my ride towards it.

Yeah, the oxytocin boost makes it all worth it. And when I’m back home hand washing my Free Hugs t-shirt so it’s ready for next week, I think to myself that Seventeen magazine had it wrong. What matters most isn’t to be popular. What matters most is to be kind.

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A Russian broadcaster interviewed me about free hugs last month. Happily, you don’t have to speak Russian to appreciate it. (In fact it might be better because it’s in Russian.)