ELLE Magazine UK interviewed a few Cuddle Sanctuary folks last month including professional cuddler Stephen Taddeo. Caring very much about how his words might impact Cuddle Sanctuary, Stephen sent me his written responses to the journalist’s many questions. I was touched to have this opportunity to get a window into how Stephen thinks. With his permission, I wanted to share some of Stephen’s words with you.

Journalist: 

How long do you have to hug for it to be of benefit?

Stephen: 

The official word is around 20 seconds. That’s not just for the oxytocin to be released but also for the limbic system to register that something good is happening. Our brains have a negativity bias. Accumulated over the course of our evolution, it kept us safe from predators. It is said that our brains are like Velcro for bad experiences and like Teflon for good experiences. This has to do with the fact that danger is routed to our awareness via a much shorter nerve pathway bypassing the cognitive centers, taking less than 100 milliseconds. That gives us a chance to react. In fact, we often react to danger before we are even aware of it. 

But pleasurable experiences have to percolate through a lot of interpretation before we’re aware of them. First, the vigilance from any new experience needs to subside before we can feel the benefit. That may take a few seconds. Then the process of perception of pleasure can begin. So, it’s necessary to really marinate in a positive experience for at least 20 seconds before it will be stored and used later to inform our perception of the world around us (as a loving, accommodating place).

I find that for me, something else happens after 30 seconds to a minute. Maybe it’s another level of vigilance that finally subsides, but especially if I use a timer for 60 seconds or more, I pass a point where I’m no longer “holding my breath,” so to speak. I let go of the idea that I should disengage from the hug in order to be appropriate, and it finally sinks in that I can rest in this. At that point I’ll often wrap my arms around a little further and really let it in – yes – this is really happening. This is being given to me freely and it’s ok. That’s when the magic happens.  

Thank you, Stephen, for the reminder that positive experiences are worth the wait! If you’d like to bask in the presence of a virtual cuddle session with Stephen, you can find his services on this page. And if it’s a real live hug you crave, click here to Find a Covid-Safe Cuddle Buddy.