The very first cuddle I attended, I played it safe.
I defaulted to my go-to strategy for connection: be friendly, and stay helpful! Instead of making requests for what I wanted, I deferred to others and let them choose. “What would you like to do?” I asked everyone that I approached.
I don’t think I said “No” to anything or anyone.
Getting to see through my own social conditioning
I had a lovely time. But something about getting to observe myself in this situation unsettled me.
Do you have a “default mode” that kicks in every time you’re in social or connective situations? At this event, I got to see mine loud and clear: people pleaser.
I wanted more for myself than that.
For the first time in my life, I realized that there could be more to connection than being nice, making it about other people, and adjusting my inner experience so that I’m totally ok with everything and everyone.
It became apparent to me that if I intended on being more fulfilled, and getting more “juice” out of these cuddle events, I would have to change up how I showed up.
Find your edge and play full out
We take a lot of care to craft a safe container for experimentation at Cuddle Sanctuary. All of our guidelines are there to offer each attendee the power of choice.
Choice, empowerment, and safety are ubiquitous to me. And there’s no better place to exercise choice than at a cuddle.
We call the main cuddling portion a “Cuddle Laboratory” with intention: it’s a great place to try on different modes of interacting.
This is the place to try on things you might not otherwise dare to do in the “outside world” such as:
- Being bold and asking for exactly what you want, even when you think the answer is going to be “No”
- Saying “No” just for the hell of it, without any explanation
- Giving yourself a break from taking care of other people
- Only following your “Hell Yes” and not tolerating *anything*
- Choosing to be alone in a social situation
- Being sad or unhappy at a social event
- Allowing yourself to receive physical affection without the giving back
The list goes on.
A good rule of thumb for me is this: if there’s something that feels a little scary or uncomfortable, that’s a growth edge. Playing here can be challenging but also more likely to be a highly rewarding experience.
How to decide between comfort and growth?
I want to be clear: as long as you’re within the guidelines, there are no wrong answers for how to show up at an event. Every way that you show up is valid, and can yield very useful experiences for yourself.
All that’s left is for you to decide: “What would be most valuable for me in this moment?”
Many of us show up at Cuddle Sanctuary to rest and recharge. If this is what you are needing, indulge that!
One way you can decide is by looking at what you usually do and asking yourself if you want to stay there. If you’re like me and personally obsessed with self-improvement, not making it about becoming better in some way might be just the ticket.
If you’re looking to challenge yourself though, find something that is low on the scary threshold to begin with. It may be helpful to start building a sense of comfort and safety first before venturing out to take risks and experiment. Or, you might dedicate the first portion of the cuddle for being a little “outside the box” and then reward yourself with ease at the end.
It’s all up to you.
Beware the side effects
If you opt to follow your discomfort and take risks at a cuddle though, I have a word of warning for you. You bear the risk of opening yourself to being changed.
Almost all of the personal growth I’ve experienced in the last four years, I can attribute to all the practicing I have done at cuddle events.
These days, I am much more willing to show up authentically. I’m a lot clearer about what I want and don’t want, and am so much more proactive in communicating that. Rejection has become much less scary, and I’m much more comfortable with negative emotions within myself and others. I’m not kidding when I say this practice has changed my life.
I hope you allow it to change yours too.