It’s the morning after my debut on the Santa Monica Pier. I have an insight that feels big. I grab my phone to record it.
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General transcript: There’s something happening with this, my desire to do this thing at the pier. I had a feeling that the reason for it would be revealed.
In my morning process – which includes writing and and feeling and reflecting – I understand now that I am doing a re-do of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
At the festival, I was regularly trying to get tourists interested in my show. That was the summer before last. The experience left me…there’s sort of a numb place where that experience lives. I think, if I’m really being honest, that there’s some trauma there.
So I am revisiting it! I see now that with intention and care, I can do some healing work.
I don’t know how long I’m going to be doing this. But I have ideas. I knew this would be iterative.
I’m going to bring my free hugs sign [next time] and invite others to join me in giving them. I’ve given free hugs many times on the pier simply as a Cuddle Sanctuary person. But now I’ll be in my unicorn outfit.
Bringing in the free hugs sign feels like fun for me. People can come up to me [rather than me going up to them.]
Yesterday, I said to people, “Would you like to sample my magical menu?” [I’m mortified.] I said a lot of things. I’m feeling some shame, but why? There’s no reason; I was simply experimenting.
Perhaps that is what this experiment is helping me come quite close to. Shame. Shame, humiliation, embarrassment. Stuff I might prefer to keep between me in my journal. [But now I have the capacity to look at and maybe heal it.]
It’s so interesting that I’ve brought this into my life! It came from creativity, ideas, inspiration. [I had no idea that there was a part of me that was needing some sort of do over.] I’m seeing [now] what [this experience] can do for me if I’m conscious about it.
If I’m really really painstakingly kind – as they say in twelve step programs – more will be revealed.