It’s been four days since our debut on Dr. Phil, and I wanted to share with you some thoughts. For those of you who haven’t seen it, the show featured a couple in crisis. Alaska has a business that offers the option for either cuddling or dating. She advertises her business with sexually provocative photos and videos of herself. Her husband Paul is uncomfortable with her marketing approach and feels certain that she is lying to him when she says that she is not providing any cuddling services herself.

During the show, it’s revealed that she has been lying to him, but feels she’s honoring their relationship by having only platonic cuddle sessions. She’s also proud to be making money for their family and wants to be respected for that.

What a mess, right? I wanted to give my perspective on three questions about the episode that I’ve been thinking about. The first is a question that a friend texted me after she saw the show.

Is She Really a Professional Cuddler?

Professional cuddling for now is un unregulated industry. That means anyone can call themselves a professional cuddler, and there’s no law to prevent it. Having said that, Alaska shared aspects of her sessions that were very familiar to me in my own practice and in the training we provide:

• She listens to her clients
• Her goal is make them feel good about themselves and to show them that they matter
• Her sessions are platonic and can include holding hands and soothing touch

Could she be certified through Cuddle Sanctuary? No. Because those who certify with us sign a code of ethics and here’s one of the statements in it:

Services will be marketed in a manner that clearly communicates the nonsexual, platonic nature of this service.

Can We All Agree That She’s Just a Bad Person?

She lied to her husband many times. She doesn’t seem to care how upset he is. She is touching other people without his consent. It would be easy to judge her and close our mental book on it: She’s bad, he’s a victim, case closed.

Another perspective would be to consider why people lie. One reason people lie is because they don’t think they can get their needs met without doing so. I try to think about the needs that are underneath “bad behavior.” Maybe these are a few of Alaska’s:

I need freedom.

I need to be creative and entrepreneurial.

Needs like these aren’t meant to be excuses for bad behavior but they can serve as a humanizing explanation for them.

What Is Paul’s Part of This?

Paul has needs, too. Perhaps these are a few of them:

I need to feel heard and respected.

I need honesty and transparency.

I am saddened for anyone who has felt the pain of betrayal in a relationship.

But there’s more to it.

The part of their story that really grabbed me was in the second episode. Alaska shared that her whole journey with professional cuddling began with cuddle events. She wanted to host events (just like at Cuddle Sanctuary and the good folks at Cuddle Party.) Paul didn’t want her to cuddle anyone at her own event.

This, to me, is a very important point and speaks to a larger philosophical question about couples, monogamy and platonic cuddling. Does Paul have the right to control what she does with her body if what she wants to do with it is cuddle other people platonically?

Stay tuned, I will be exploring this in more detail in a future blog.

Want to See Cuddle Sanctuary’s Perspective?

If you haven’t yet seen it, here’s the point of view that I shared with Dr. Phil and Alaska about the business part of the issue.