“What?” you say? There’s not one, but two days to celebrate human connection in January? That’s right, lucky humans, January 6th was National Cuddle Up Day, and Monday, January 21st is National Hugging Day.
A little history, please.
National Hugging Day was created by Kevin Zaborney in 1986 who started the tradition in Michigan. Wikipedia explains that, “He chose January 21st as it fell between the…Holidays and Valentine’s Day…when he found people are generally in low spirits. Zaborney considered that ‘American society is embarrassed to show feelings in public’ and hoped that a National Hugging Day would change that, although he thought that his idea would fail.
It didn’t fail! Congrats Kevin!
Below I’m going to share with you some tips to become a good hugger (and if you’re already good, an even better one). Let’s begin with how to avoid bad hugs.
Avoid giving unwanted hugs.
How can you tell if someone doesn’t want a hug? The best way to figure this out is to pay attention to their body language. As you approach, you may notice that the person remains where they are. They aren’t coming towards you. They may even step back a little. These are solid hints.
I’ve been there.
Years ago I was hugging a friend who was touch averse. Her body shrunk away from me as it usually did when I hugged her. We were practicing a social nicety – the greeting hug for women friends – though neither of us wanted to be there.
Can we change things?
How does one escape this norm so that “greeting hugs” are wanted and not compulsory? My technique – when I have the presence of mind and strength to go against the cultural grain – is to not offer mandatory hugs to anyone. I try to notice what I am wanting and what the other party is wanting. If a hug is not in the cards, I’ll hold my body back and continue to smile and giving eye contact. Usually the other person non-verbally gets the message: I like you, and am not going to hug you.
Another technique is to insert this phrase into the opening pleasantries: Do you prefer a handshake, a hug or neither?
Try redirecting hugs you don’t want.
If a hug is coming your way that you don’t want, you can redirect it. Redirecting a hug means preventing it and doing something else instead. It’s a social risk to stop an unwanted hug. That’s why I make a quick judgement call in these situations to consider whether the benefits may be worth it.
Just last week, I was introduced to a man who had just hugged the person who introduced us. I think he felt awkward that I was left out so he gave me a hug, too. Did I want that hug? Nope! But I judged in that moment that I preferred to tolerate the hug than say something. It was a business situation first of all and I could tell the hugger meant well.
In other situations I’ve redirected the hug. I’ve never regretted doing this; it’s empowering for me to refuse unwanted touch.
How do you redirect?
I hold up my hands to block the hug and simultaneously say, “I don’t feel like a hug right now, thank you anyway.”
If you want a more elegant option, check out this video which demonstrates how to redirect a hug with a friendly alternative. It’s like social jujutzu. : – )
Use the mirror technique.
Let’s assume that two humans are ready to hug each other. Finally it’s time for some hugging! People often wonder how long a consensual hug should last. The answer is simple: as long both parties want to be there. How can you tell? Pay attention to your body and the body of the person you’re hugging. That’s right, it’s time to notice:
If you notice your hug buddy pull away, that’s your cue: back away – the hug is over.
If you wish the hug were over, that’s also your cue – back away so your partner knows it’s over.
This means that a hug can last a split second or for a long, luxurious time. You and your hug buddy are co-creating the experience in the moment. Note: This only works if you both know the mirror technique! (Feel free to forward this blog to a hug buddy and try the mirror technique together.)
Share your hugging skillz at a free hugs event.
I wrote a blog about what it’s really like for me to offer free hugs. (Hint: Absurd and sublime.) It’s true, free hugs events are not for everyone. If you’re feeling inspired, here are tips to put on a free hugs event in your city. Or if you’re in Los Angeles, join Fei and I at the Santa Monica Pier on National Hugging Day – Monday!
A final note
You may wonder as I did why National Hugging Day in on the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. The answer is that while the MLK holiday is always the third Monday in January, National Hugging Day is always January 21st. So this year it’s simply a coincidence. (Psst! If you haven’t seen the movie Selma, check it out!)