A record eleven new people signed up for Cuddle Sanctuary’s first event of 2020, and I’m not surprised. The New Year is a terrific time to make bold steps for personal growth and transformation. If you want to bring more closeness and connection into your life, this may help: Today I’ll  share with you my interview of a man who added comforting touch to his self care regimen and how it changed everything for him. Meet Loren.

Jean: Hi Loren. Thanks for taking this time to tell your story.

Loren:Thanks for giving me an opportunity to tell it.

Jean: When did you realize you were experiencing touch deprivation?

Loren: After graduating high school, I focused on education and getting my career started, and did almost no dating in those years. By age 28 I had succeeded, and my career was off to a great start. My job was my primary joy in life, and that’s where I wanted my focus to be. It was (and still is) a very satisfying creative outlet for me. However, 10 years with no touch began taking its toll. Because of inexperience with dating, I had a very difficult time having any success with that. Eventually the touch deprivation got so bad I felt physical pain in my chest, and sometimes even in my arms. The emotional and physical discomfort became so severe I could no longer focus on my job and career. I quit several jobs because I was unhappy with my performance, and I got fired once.

Jean: What did you try at the time to help you feel better?

Loren: I tried a few professional therapists, sticking with one for almost two years as I tried to improve my dating life. It didn’t seem to help, but I didn’t know what else to do. Eventually I decided to try escort services. That helped for a while, but it wasn’t long before I was feeling as bad as I used to. I was living in a smaller city at the time, and there weren’t many services to choose from. I was never able to find any one doing that work who seemed to genuinely care about doing a good job, nor anyone who I could reliably schedule time with on a regular basis. Without that consistent connection and closeness, a basic need wasn’t being met. So I went back to dating, and eventually got married, in large part to get the need for touch met on a consistent basis.

Jean: How did you discover professional cuddling and what was your process of finding a cuddler?

Loren: After I’d been married a few years, I happened to read an article about Cuddle Party which had been started by Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski. I thought to myself, “Wow, I wonder if that could’ve helped me when I was struggling so much when I was single.” About 10 years later I was divorced, and thought back to that article I had read, so I started surfing the web to learn more about it. I discovered someone was hosting a cuddle party in the small city I was still living in. I went and I thought it was great, but, unfortunately, the organizer of the party only did it once. So when I moved to Los Angeles a couple of years later, I found a lot more options, and professional cuddling was one of the first things that came up when doing an internet search.

Jean: What benefits did you notice when you started receiving cuddle sessions?

Loren: I started out by attending group cuddling events only. Fortunately, at least half of the group events I went to resulted in me feeling noticeably better for days afterwards. And I got to see many of the same people at each event, which gave a feeling of consistent connection and closeness. Group sessions were inexpensive enough that I could afford to go once or twice a week, and I did that for several months. I noticed myself becoming mostly pain-free, and my ability to focus at work increase noticeably. However, there were group sessions which were disappointing, mainly due to gender imbalance. I can cuddle with another guy, but it just doesn’t seem to release any of the feel-good chemicals that I get by cuddling with a woman. There was a period where I had many unsatisfactory group cuddle sessions, and after one unusually disappointing session I began to wonder if seeing a professional cuddler one-on-one would be any different. I tried it, and it was different — I never leave a session with a professional cuddler feeling disappointed. It’s more expensive, but to me the consistency of experience is worth it. Since doing it my ability to stay focused on work has noticeably increased, and I have received a raise that more than covers the extra cost of professional vs. group cuddle sessions.

Jean: You’re now a year and a half into your professional cuddling journey. Have you noticed any long term effects?

Loren: Yes, I no longer have to worry about getting my need for human touch met, which is a tremendous relief. Just knowing that there are many professional cuddlers in my city who I can see any time eliminates all fear that the chronic pain will return. This has enabled me to fully enjoy my job and career like never before.

Jean: Would you share about the time you were watching a depressing documentary and had to stop halfway through to make it to your cuddling session on time? What happened there?

Loren:The documentary was about how a certain class of people are treated very badly, with no end to it in sight. I noticed myself slumping in my chair as I watched the first half, feeling despondent about it. I resumed watching the show after getting back from my cuddling session, and even though the tone of the show didn’t change, I noticed how my reaction to it did. I sat straight up in my chair, and my main thought was that we need to organize to fight this injustice! Totally different attitude after getting my needs met.

Jean: Do you hope to find another long term relationship? If so, is professional cuddling helping in any way?

Loren: No, I don’t hope for another long term relationship, although I’m not opposed to it. However, I’ve come to believe that it really is not a good idea to get into a long term relationship in order to get needs met, such as human touch. That sets up expectations and obligations that inevitably harm the relationship. Instead, a long term relationship should be based on a mutual purpose. At the current time I can’t think of any mutual purpose I could share with a woman in a long term relationship, since I am so enjoying my job and career right now, and I have significant goals in that area. If I do get into a relationship for some reason, knowing that professional cuddling is always available helps in that I won’t end up staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

Jean: There are some who believe that professional cuddling should only be an interim solution and also that the relationship between a paid provider and a client isn’t “real.” What are your thoughts about these points of view?

Loren: I don’t understand why professional cuddling needs to only be an interim solution. I plan on seeing professional cuddlers indefinitely. Since I only see two or three professionals regularly, I have been able to develop a consistent connection and closeness with all of them. I can and do talk about anything (except sex), and that provides a lot of emotional closeness as well as the physical closeness. The connection is just as “real” to me as any other relationship I’ve had. They are transactional relationships, but in my life experience all relationships between adults are transactional. Normally the transaction currency is time and attention, things I prefer to reserve for my job and career right now. Any relationship which isn’t transactional, and the giving goes mostly one way, cannot last long. I think the world would be a better place if people only got into long term romantic relationships when they shared a mutual purpose, rather than to get their needs for human contact met.

Jean: Do you have any advice for someone interested in trying these services or last comments you’d like to make?

Loren: Two things. First, I think it’s important to have a mindset that the relationship meets real needs, and isn’t “fake” or a substitute for the “real” thing. Second, you must keep trying providers until you find one or more who genuinely cares about meeting your needs the best he or she can (within their stated boundaries) in the time you have together. That’s what makes the difference for me, and gives me a sense of comfort that carries me through the time between sessions. And that sense of comfort has changed everything for me, in that I am now free of the obligations of traditional relationships, and able to pursue my dreams without needing to worry about how to get my needs met.