I really like people around me to be happy.

Actually, it’s more than that. I really want people to be happy about me.

That can make saying “No” to be a real challenge.

But good relationships require boundaries

Almost always, when I’m not feeling good about an interaction I’m having with someone, it’s because I’d been crossing my own boundaries or allowed them to be crossed. Usually this can be remedied by speaking up!

The basic principle that I’ve relied on for having good boundaries is this:

1. I am responsible for my life and how I feel.
2. Other people are responsible for their life and how they feel.
3. I can take responsibility for how I feel by asking for what I want, and saying “No” to things I don’t.

This all makes good sense and feels simple, until someone’s feelings gets hurt.

I hurt someone, bad

Recently, I had the painful experience of saying “No” to someone who desperately needed something from me. I wanted them to have it, but I just didn’t have the capacity to offer it to them.

My boundary was so painful for them that the guilt I felt about it was almost completely eclipsed by their disappointment.

Even thinking about it now still puts a knot in my stomach.

At first, I really wanted to back-pedal and take it back, to try to “make it right” by seeing if I could give more. But I knew I would harbor resentment in the long run if I did that.

So instead, I did the scary thing by holding my ground, and released myself from being responsible for the way they felt.

It was one of the shittiest feelings I have ever experienced.

Sometimes the consequences aren’t all rosy at first

I’ve had lots of experiences of setting boundaries that I was instantly rewarded for. This was not one of them.

I immediately shamed myself for being heartless. It felt wrong to feel good about my decision while they were suffering. I stressed and worried about how this person would now see me. In their narrative, I had now become “the bad guy”.

This actually terrifies me: I want to be liked! But I knew I couldn’t like them, if I moved my boundary just so they wouldn’t hurt.

What is within our control?

I’m slowly learning that it’s not my job to control how people feel about me. It’s only within my power to control how I feel towards others.

In this case, setting my boundaries allowed me to stay compassionate and connected to this person within myself.

I had to let go and allow them their own process of hurt and rejection, reminding myself that it’s not actually all about me. They were simply experiencing their grief and disappointment of not getting what they needed.

The only thing left for me to do was to overcome my own guilt and shame around having boundaries.

Take a deep breath with me.

Truth is the kindest gift

I’ve heard it said that truth is one of the ultimate gifts of love we can offer. In my experience, even when this truth isn’t nice to hear, it still can land as an act of kindness.

When we set boundaries firmly but kindly, we’re honoring the other as a sovereign being who can handle themselves and is capable of getting their needs met in the larger world. Which grownup doesn’t want to be seen this way?

It’s a tricky practice, but I’m learning to do what is in integrity for me, and let go of trying to control the outcome.

Not everyone in my life can get what they need from me (that’s impossible!), but I feel like I’m really showing up for myself. And that feels amazing.