“Why won’t you be my friend?”

Your eyes hold that question with such longing. You look young in this moment, like a child; hopeful and tender.

My heart aches at the vulnerability of it all.

I understand this request.

It makes so much sense to me. We’ve shared tears, laughter, and many emotions in between. Our time together has been profound. You’ve been seen, heard, and truly felt. And me, I’ve been changed and moved by you. This is exactly what I want from all of my relationships, and I imagine you do too.

Yet, we only spend time together in this specific (and peculiar) context. Me, as your professional cuddler, and you, as my client.

I hear your question in my mind. “Wouldn’t it be nice if this could extend beyond our sessions together?”

But don’t you see? It already does.

What happens between us is real.

I’m wanting you to know how much I genuinely care; how deep my love for you runs.

The structure we create through our sessions – and the limitations it has – is exactly what invites me to bring more of myself.

Do you know that I think about you in between getting to see you? I pace, and ponder — and sometimes, I worry. Your life matters to me. You matter to me. Even when I don’t see you for months.

And, I want to convey clearly, and with love, how I don’t wish for anything more with you.

What we have here is exactly what I want.

In this special relationship, I get to slow down and feel deeply. You do too. I enjoy you most this way.

We don’t get stuck in the small talk that I sometimes get snagged in over coffee with a friend. (Do you know how rarely I get coffee with friends?!)

Here, I get to see you regularly – more regularly than I see most people in my life – and support you in ways that a typical friend doesn’t get to do. I’m my best and most skillful self with you! In our sessions, we get to be with each other with a kind of spaciousness I barely have for myself and my loved ones.

Most of all, I can connect deeply with you, without you having to be anything more than you are.

No, that’s too important to me. I don’t want to lose what we have here.

You’d like this to be more reciprocal. I get that.

You say you want to be able to care for me too, and I appreciate that, truly.

But I’m wanting you to see how mutual this already is. Perhaps there’s something you’re not understanding: this is where you nourish me the most. 

I need you like this. You bring your most vulnerable self here. That means so much to me!

You also pay me, and that matters.

Do you have any idea how what that does for me? That is exactly what allows me to spend this much time doing what I love most: being loving.  What you have given me is immeasurable freedom. Freedom from financial burden, and a sense of independence and choice in my life. You’ve offered me abundance, and the means to keep learning and growing.

Yes, I make it point to make every session focused on you and what you want and need. But let this be clear, my needs are getting met too, in ways my other relationships don’t provide.

As my client, you give me so so so much.

You have changed my life.

You thank me often, for how I’ve impacted you. I don’t think you truly get how it goes both ways.

I can’t count all the things I’ve learned, and all the ways I’ve grown because of our work together. You have shown me what life and love means. I have been brought to tears over and over again in my awe of you. I am humbled by your humanity.

We may not have a friendship, but what we have is more, much more. It’s too precious to me, and I wouldn’t trade it in for the world.

Not even to be friends.