Confession: I hate having to ask for what I want. Ugh.

It’s so much work!

In my ideal world, there would be an all-knowing caretaker who is paying such close attention to me, they would anticipate my every need. They would know me more than I even know myself. In this world, my wants and needs would simply materialize before me without me having to do any work at all.

Not only would I never have to ask, I would never need to hear a no either. Getting what I want without having to put in any effort? Ahhhh….that sounds like bliss.

Unfortunately for me (and all of us) that world only exists in my imagination.

Why Don’t We Ask?

I’m know I’m not the only who has resistance to this.

There’s lots of reasons why we don’t ask for what we want. Can you think of a few that apply to you? I encourage you to pause here and write a list of your own reasons.

Here’s some that I’ve come up with:

• Afraid of rejection
• Too much effort
• Don’t know what we want
• Fear of being selfish, demanding, or needy
• Having it doesn’t feel possible anyway
• Don’t actually know how to ask
• Going without feels more virtuous
• Shame/judgement on our desires
• Want to be care-taken (for it to be offered to us first)
• Thinking we can do it on our own
• Taking care of other people’s needs over our own
• Asking didn’t work last time
• Actually getting it feels scary
• Revealing it feels vulnerable

Does this list look familiar to you? What did I miss?

Brilliant (But Sometimes Harmful) Coping Mechanisms

Here’s the thing, though, just because we don’t ask, doesn’t mean our needs and wants disappear. In the absence of being empowered to ask, we tend to find creative solutions to cope.

What are some things you have done in lieu of asking for what you want? Again, I encourage you to pause here and write your own list and see what you find.

Here’s mine:

• Take first, apologize later
• Stealing/sneaking
• Hinting or manipulating
• Relying on other people’s desire to get what we want
• Going without and becoming a martyr
• Get resentful at other people who have what they want
• Collapse and write things/people off
• Use giving as a way of getting
• Stop needing/wanting and lose touch with desire

How do you feel as you look at this list? I notice a pit in my stomach forming. I have been guilty of every one of these things at one point or another. It doesn’t feel good to admit that.

When our ability to ask is out of place, consent can’t be established.

I could easily go into shaming myself and my behaviors, but I’m learning to have compassion for it. It makes sense that all of us struggle with asking and have found brilliant (albeit messy) ways of making do.

Learning to be a Grown Up

It does take effort to ask for what I want and be an advocate for my own needs. But I’ve noticed that as I do the work, I tend to be much more fulfilled as a person. There’s also a feeling of freedom and empowerment that I wouldn’t find otherwise.

Nowadays, I’ve had a good taste of what it is to ask for exactly what I want and to get it. Wow! It’s amazing! It makes it hard to go back to waiting for things to be handed to me, or learning to go without.

I’m not perfect, and still need lots of practice with asking for what I want. Cuddle Sanctuary events and sessions have been the perfect sandbox for experimentation. I hope you’ll join me in practicing there.

I’m imagining a world where we all are brave enough to ask for what we want, and equally courageous in hearing and saying “No”. Now that feels like bliss to me.