Last week, I blogged about the fears women face when they consider attending a cuddle event. Those fears are enough to keep many women away. To me, that’s a tragedy because what happens at Cuddle Sanctuary is healing and helpful – especially for women. Below are four benefits that safe cuddling offers women. (Men, feel free to comment and let me know which – if any of these – also applies to you.)
1. It’s a relief to receive touch that’s wanted.
One day I was working on my laptop at a local Coffee Bean when a I saw a man I knew from the neighborhood. I didn’t know him well, but we said hello and started a conversation. A few times as we spoke, he would emphasize what he was saying by touching my knee. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t imagine him doing that same behavior with another man.
Moments like this are a conundrum for me as a woman. The honest thing to do would be to let him know. But I’ve been socialized to be nice and not to make waves – even at my own expense. “Saying something” feels like a social risk, but I did it anyway. I took a deep breath and told him that I prefer he didn’t touch me like that. He was defensive and angry.
I’m really glad I took care of myself that day. Still, it’s hard to be empowered when one receives social punishment when setting boundaries. I believe I speak for a lot of women when I say that I’ve tolerated a lot of unwanted touch in my life. That’s why coming to Cuddle Sanctuary is so empowering. We praise you for saying No, we thank you for setting boundaries, and we encourage you to say Yes only to touch that’s wanted. Some women come back again and again to practice setting boundaries and to feel the power in themselves grow.
2. It’s wonderful to have a break from “giving.”
Some women are caregivers or in a caregiving profession. In order to avoid burnout, it’s important to schedule time for self care. Receiving nourishing touch is a wonderful way to recharge.
At Cuddle Sanctuary, mothers and other caregivers can take the night off from giving. They can make this an internal choice or they can boldly announce, “Tonight, I only want to relax and receive!” You may think that everyone would made that declaration if they could. But that’s not the case. There are always people at our events who enjoy giving and have lots of energy and love to offer. It’s a delightful win/win situation.
3. Nonsexual touch is a welcome respite.
Here’s something personal. In my twenties, I entered a recovery program for people with sex and intimacy problems. I was struggling with low self esteem and the pernicious belief that I was only lovable if I was being sexual. It’s no surprise that I felt this way. As a girl growing up in an American suburb, I was steeped in the messages of popular culture. Television, magazines and movies incessantly emphasized that women were valued for their beauty and sex appeal.
I’ve come a long way since those days. Today I love and appreciate myself as a whole person. I recognize my great qualities such as my intellect, sense of humor, quirkiness and compassion. What helps me stay grounded in these truths is the ongoing practice of platonic cuddling. Hugs with no sexual agenda are a reminder that I’m valuable just as I am. I feel cherished just for being human.
4. Witnessing consent is healing.
One evening at Cuddle Sanctuary, just as we started the voluntary “Hug/No Hug” activity, a woman made a beeline to me and communicated to me that she was overwhelmed. She knew that she could leave the event at any time, but she didn’t seem to want to go. I told her that she could skip the exercise and hang out in the Solo Salon if she preferred. The Solo Salon is a dedicated place where attendees can take a break and watch the event without having to participate. She gladly went to the Solo Salon and stayed there for the rest of the evening.
The event continued as it typically does. There was harmony and hugs; conversation and connection. During the closing circle, she joined the group again and said tearfully, “Thank you for showing me what consent looks like.”
This woman and I spoke on the phone later. She shared with me that she had been the survivor of sexual trauma and that she was attending our events to learn how to trust again. She tearfully expressed that her evening in the Solo Salon was deeply healing. I felt honored and more determined than ever to welcome more women to our community.
In this blog, we’ve explored four benefits that safe cuddling offers women. Next week, I’ll share my Women’s Guide for Attending Cuddle Events.