UPDATE: Since writing this post, I’ve assembled tips from professional cuddlers across the globe. Here’s the latest techniques on dealing with unintentional arousal.
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I had a first time client – we’ll call him Kevin. Kevin and I met via email and over the phone. He was single and worked in the hospitality industry. The first time I saw him in person was for our maiden Affection Spa Treatment. I was sort of nervous, and I think he was, too.
Kevin was a big-framed man – over six feet tall. With permission we gave each other a hug. He had to stoop down for the job. I found Kevin to be friendly with a great sense of humor. After some talk and a few opening cuddle positions, we decided to spoon. As the big spoon, Kevin was behind me. It was sweet to go from meeting this man for the very first time to spooning with him – in the course of less than an hour.
A few minutes went by and I could tell that Kevin had become physically aroused. To put it bluntly, Kevin had a boner. If you are someone with a penis – it’s possible that during the cuddle that you, like Kevin, may become a Boner Owner.
First, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Boners happen. What matters most is what you do next. In the situation with Kevin, I chose to change positions and discuss it. I sat up and said, “Hey, Kevin, I noticed that you’re aroused.” (Yes, it’s an option to talk about it as plainly as that!)
Kevin said, “Yeah, I’m sorry.”
I said, “There’s nothing to be sorry about, let’s try something else.”
We came up with the idea of putting a pillow between us so that we were still spooning, but there was less contact between our mid-sections and genital areas. You can try this option as well. Kevin and I had a good laugh and talked about trademarking the technique and calling it “The Kevin.”
I hope that you get from this story that it was no big deal. We were just two grown up people talking about stuff that happens to bodies and making adjustments accordingly.
Thank you for the insightful information and yes, this has happened to me while spooning and when a “thing” is making direct contact with a woman’s rear, it’s happens.
The way I corrected this was by easing back and providing space in between the two of us. Although it’s viewed as natural, I often wonder if there are women out there who make view this normal, healthy response as a threat. Mood depending, it can be extremely frustrating.
I don’t know how else to put this except to be honest and extremely blunt. The best way that works for me is to take care of business before getting together for a session.
This also brings me to a question I have of my own. Although it’s a lot less obvious, do any women go through their share of stimulation through platonic touch and if so, how do they deal with it?
It’s obvious that if this happens, it goes unnoticed but must be quite uncomfortable. Just curious.
Hi Jimmy – thanks for your comment and question. Some poeple don’t realize that erections can happen without a person wanting it to – that it’s often just a body’s response to being relaxed. That’s why we mention this issue at every single event – it’s our way of making it less of a big deal to everyone. And about women, sure arousal can for any person. We suggest shifting positions, shifting activities or if the mind happened to wander to sexy thoughts, shift that. At Cuddle Sanctuary we applaud and appreciate sexuality. We just don’t happen to practice it at our events.
Hi Jean,
Thank you so much for your wonderful response and I appreciate your honesty.
I have had a few sessions with the same professional cuddler and so far, so good. I find our sessions to be more relaxing than anything else.
I am a male client who has had cuddle sessions with a number of female professional and semi-professional cuddlers. Any cuddler who doesn’t expect and cannot tolerate an erection, should only serve female clients or leave the business altogether. This idea of pillows and changing positions really amounts to a kind of “shaming” exercise. The shaming puts the Pro first and the client second. Ladies, your male clients will absolutely have an erection at some point during the session and you may become aware of it. As long as he’s not being obnoxious, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean you are in imminent danger. It will dissipate. Keep Calm and Cuddle On
Thanks for your feedback. It’s so helpful to have your perspective as a client!
As someone who is not a professional cuddler, I don’t think it’s shameful to put pillows in between, I think it’s just giving the person a chance to “calm down” and return to a platonic space so that they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
I don’t think there’s any attention to shame. But I think it would be more and more difficult to Keep Calm and Cuddle On if there is obvious contact between one’s errogenous zone and another person.
It seems like such a tricky proposition: between men and women, cuddling is often part of the lead up to sex, for many people. To do this kind of therapy you necessarily have to make a clear boundary between sexual activity and therapeutic touch.
I think the article shows she is a sincere and caring individual who is capable of navigating that boundary in a respectful way, and take both the client’s feelings and the intention of the therapy into account.
Thanks, Benedict! I appreciate your comment. I feel seen!
This is a vary helpful article
Thanks for reading, Kimberlina!
I have to agree that this is a very helpful article as I am new to cuddling.
Men are generally told to endure everything, so we’ve become the perfect punching bags when it comes to many things these days; our bodies included. It’s shocking and refreshing to hear a woman say that it’s okay for a man to accidentally become erect during a “platonic” cuddle. No one would ever know if she felt any arousal, so she’s safe to shame men all she wants. I’ve gotten pretty used to women now and then calling men “disgusting” for any aspect of being male, such as body hair, sweating, having an intact penis, penis size, being short, and more, and then men even going along with that misandry. It’s very nice to hear a woman advocating for us to be treated with kind understanding rather than shame for our biology.
I’m also happy to not be treated like a threat for finding someone attractive. That always felt so confused and awful. The situation for the woman seems to usually be a balance between assuming innocence, and the female preventing harm to herself while sort of accusing a man of being one of the most despised things in society- a danger to women. The former is the braver, wiser, kinder route. Thank you.
There is a strange, growth-inhibiting silence on topics like these. As if silence will make all of the many challenges of sexual, sensual, and physical platonic interactions go away. It’s nice to hear that someone isn’t buying it.
Hi Chris – thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your point of view and am glad you liked this blog.
I am very thankful that the world is changing. We are acknowledging the issues and opening up to become more mindful and self aware. There are many hurting people who have never felt secure, safe, comforted, accepted and loved. Cuddling is one of the ways we can connect and heal each other. Sexuality is part of who we are.
Self worth and self acceptance and roots of many issues. Through acceptance of what we ourselves are experiencing from interacting with others on their journeys we can identify and take self care measures. Self Care to ensure balance and peace to regulate emotions and build character.
When one is off balanced and feeling conflicted about a “boner” there are many responses and being spirit driven I trust one will arrive when the time is appropriate. IF one is Conflicted then a Boundary MUST be set. Boundary is one for you by you and keep to you as this is how we build SELF INTEGRITY. Then you communicate in a thoughtful manner, maybe include in your agreement a suggestion that men can masturbate / use a pillow in certain positions to avoid potentially embarrassing situations.
Lets focus more on who we are vs what we look like so we can see each others hearts and in that both of us benefit.
In light and love to all,
T
Hi Teresa. What a thought-provoking and thoughtfully expressed response. Thank you for sharing yourself with me and our community!