‘Tis the season for many of us to spend time with relatives. That could mean laughter, fun, caroling, tinsel, gifts and copious amounts of eggnog. I hope so! It could also mean falling back into old patterns, regressing to your younger, less evolved self and feeling mighty triggered. Yay holidays!
If you only see your great aunt, distant cousin or far-away sibling once a year or less, you may choose to let it go – whatever the issue is – because the holidays will be over soon enough. That’s a valid and popular way to go. Another option is to have a mature, boundary-setting kind of conversation with your relative and possibly change the dynamic between you and them forever.
Does that sound frightening? Liberating? For me, it’s both. Let’s focus on the liberating part first. Each time I’ve used the technique I’m about to share with you, it has unleashed a giant load of energy in my body. It feels like I can lift a car! Telling the truth and taking care of myself helps me feel free. For me, the freedom is worth the price of walking through some fear.
This is scary for me.
Just thinking about initiating a conversation of this nature can get my heart pumping with adrenaline. This is my fight or flight response kicking in, but there’s no one to punch and nowhere I need to run. I just need to say to – let’s say – Auntie Margaret after she once again insults my choice of work, “Would it be okay if we had a private conversation?” Asking for some time to talk is the first step of the OCEAN method.
What’s the OCEAN method?
OCEAN is a way to navigate tough conversations. If you use it, these conversations will be smooth sailing. (Like the metaphor?) Well, I guess I shouldn’t say smooth, but it will be smoother sailing than if you didn’t have this handy tool. It provides structure to help you prepare what you’re going to say.
OCEAN is an acronym:
O: Observation
C: Compassion
E: Effect
A: Ask
N: No thank you
Let’s explore each letter.
Observation
Once you have some privacy with the person, begin by sharing the behavior that you observed. Observation is objective. What did you see, hear, taste, touch or smell? If you say, “You were unbelievably rude just now,” that can come off as judgmental which – although it may be very true – will put the person on the defensive. Talking to someone who’s feeling defensive won’t get you very far. So instead, be factual. Like this: “I noticed that while I was speaking that you interrupted me and said ‘Let’s talk about something else.’”
See the difference? I’m describing what happened like a reporter. I’m impartial and calm.
Compassion
Having an attitude of kindness and curiosity is very disarming. So this might be a good moment – instead of attacking the person for being such a jerk – to actually surprise them with something supportive or interested:
“Can you tell me why you said that?”
“Was there something about what I shared that bothered you?”
Effect
This next part is vulnerable and absolutely crucial. You’re going to tell them in simple terms how the behavior impacted you. Continue with your relaxed demeanor and voice:
“When you said that, I felt hurt.”
“When you interrupt me, I feel disrespected.”
Sharing just one or two of these impacts is enough. This portion of the conversation – telling someone the effect their behavior has on you – is like dynamite – it’s very powerful.
Ask
Now it’s time to request what you want this person to start or stop doing. Ask! Be very clear about the behavior change you want:
“When I’m telling a story, would you please let me finish what I’m saying?”
“If you disagree with something I say, would you please discuss it with me privately?”
No Thank You
In a professional relationship, this is when the boss says “If this behavior continues, you won’t be able to work here.” The “No Thank You” part of of the OCEAN conversation will only be relevant in some cases. “No Thank You” is about consequences. If the person doesn’t change their behavior, will you need to limit your interaction with them? Setting boundaries takes courage and sometimes we must assert: You may not cross this line with me again.
Recovering from people pleasing.
How will the person respond if you choose to have an OCEAN conversation? It’s hard to predict. One thing to remember is that if you stop people pleasing, people aren’t pleased right away. So don’t expect your person to cheer you on and give you multiple pats on the back. When you break an old pattern of behavior, it can be disorienting to the other person. (Hey, wait a minute, I’m supposed to insult you and then you stomp out of the room. Stop messing up the choreography!)
Your person may sulk or get passive aggressive at first. Though these responses aren’t super fun, they’re not necessarily a bad thing. It could indicate that they are growing, thinking, processing and accepting this new version of you in their own way.
In the best case scenario, the person may thank you for talking with them and actually change their behavior. The worst case scenario is that they refuse to respect your point of view and escalate their bad behavior. It’s true, this shit is risky.
For me, it’s worth the risk because the rewards are great. My siblings and I interact with more respect. My relationship with my mom has matured. My uncle and I share warmth and love instead of antagonism and confusion. And best of all I have more respect for myself. And maybe during this holiday season, that’s the best gift of all.