Last month I attended a cuddle event as a guest. The facilitator – Gabriella – created a deeply meditative vibe with quiet music and this guideline:
“You’re welcome to make yummy sounds of enjoyment.” [We laughed.] “You can talk to make physical adjustments and set boundaries. Besides that, let’s just breathe and be quiet.”
She set the lights low, and the group sank into a deep chill. I was impressed! At Cuddle Sanctuary, there’s a lot more chatting going on. It got me to thinking.
Do I talk too much?
At Cuddle Sanctuary we welcome conversation. I’ve noticed that when the oxytocin (ie. nature’s happy drug) kicks in for me, my sense of silliness – and my volume – increases. Of course it’s wonderful to be happy – I celebrate that in myself. But I realize that it’s also important to keep aware of what else is happening in a social environment.
Chatty vs. Quiet: Which is better?
At our socials we allow each event to organically evolve. It can be quiet, raucous, chatty, peaceful or all of the above. There are people who prefer it to be quiet and others who adore the conversation. This can create some friction. This is a milestone: If we’re starting to annoy each other like family, we’ve become a real community!
It’s true, one solution would be for us to separate and only go to events that respect our personal style. That would be a bummer. Chatty folks and quieter folks have a lot to learn from each other. That’s why I’m writing this today. I have solutions!
Why are you talking?
For talkers, it’s a great idea to be self aware and ask ourselves, “Why am I talking?” The answer may be simple: I’m deep in conversation and enjoying it. Or I’m feeling playful. Or it feels great to be seen and heard by the person I’m talking with.
But if the answer is, “I’m talking because I’m anxious,” let’s explore that. Talking can be used as a way to stay in one’s head and our events welcome you to sink into your body. If you’re talking to manage anxiety, this could be a great opportunity to try something different. Quiet yourself down. Breathe. Feel. Fei’s blog, The Art of Living in Your Body offers more great tips.
Notice and respect the vibe
If you’re joining a group that’s quiet, honor the fact that those folks may really value the peacefulness. (Conversation isn’t a better option, it’s just a different option.) If you prefer to talk you could say, “Would you all be open to some conversation?” If quiet is preferred, consider trying it out for a while. If you don’t like it, move along.
Set respectful boundaries
I think that quieter folks are kind of amazed that louder ones will ruin a sweet, chill vibe and not even notice. So here’s a tip for the quieter ones: Forgive the talkers – we can be bulls in china shops. Tell us what you need. Here are some suggestions:
“Hey – Would you be open to hanging out with us without conversation?”
“Would you be willing to lower your voice level?”
Ah, volume. So much to say.
My volume often increases as my emotions increase, so this next suggestion is really good for me: Speak loudly enough for you to be heard by those you’re speaking to and no louder. (What do you think about this one. Agree? Disagree?)
Why do some people speak so LOUDLY?
If I pay attention, I can calibrate my volume to fit the situation I’m in. I’ve learned that not everyone can do that easily. In the article Loud Talkers, Dr. Amee Shah, Director of the Speech Acoustics and Perception Laboratory at Cleveland State University describes four factors to the issue:
“There’s a biological component, a pathological component, a personality component and a cultural component.”
Reading this article softened by opinion of those that tend to speak loudly all the time. One thing I noticed about these folks, is that they’re very receptive to my request for them to lower the volume. It seems like they’re counting on honest people to give them this feedback. Otherwise, they’re in the dark about the problem.
Help! I talk too loud!
If you’ve been told that you talk loudly, here’s a handy article. You’ll be guided to try a three-pronged approach that includes identifying the problem, training your voice and learning to communicate effectively without increasing your volume. I’d love to hear what you think.
In conclusion
It’s my hope that we can annoy each other a little less by fine-tuning our awareness (for the talkers like me) and assertiveness (for the quieter ones). The result? More harmony, affection and connection for us all.