“One day, I hope to gather enough courage to come cuddle.”

I’ve heard so many iterations of this statement from various friends and members of the public. For many, there’s a sizable threshold to entry when it comes to trying out a cuddle for the first time.

If you’re one of those bystanders, curious and looking in with longing but immobilized by fear, I’d like to help lower the barrier for you.

So, what’s keeping you from taking that first step? I’d like to address 5 common fears, and present a few counter offers to help ease them.

Fear #5 Strangers — especially having to cuddle strangers

“Will I be forced to cuddle another man?”

This is a common question we get from straight men, and many other nervous newcomers.

We get it. It’s hard enough to enter a social situation without a familiar face – it’s much more intimidating if there’s an expectation that you’ll be forced to interact intimately with someone you don’t feel safe around.

Offer: There is no touch required at any time. We use the “Ask and Wait” method, meaning that every interaction – even something as commonplace as a hug – will be verbally requested and you’ll be given the option to say “Yes” or “No”.

In fact, we make it a point to encourage “No thank you”s and to receive them with enthusiasm. Many attendees come specifically to feel empowered and practice saying “No”. So know that honoring your comfort level and boundaries will be celebrated here.

Maybe you prefer to just sit out and observe and enjoy witnessing the connection from a safe distance at the Solo Salon. That’s totally cool, too!

Trust that our workshops are expertly designed to foster connection at your comfort level. It’s most likely you’ll find that you walked into a room full of strangers, but left feeling like you’ve found family.

Fear # 4 Being too Vulnerable

“I’m afraid I’ll burst into tears.”

Cuddling is so intimate, and can bring up a lot of emotions. There’s an unwritten expectation for us to “hold it together” in social situations, we don’t want to be seen as unhappy or hurting when other people are around.

Offer: We like to quote Cuddle Party and say “Tears and laughter are welcome here”. I’ve definitely done both at a cuddle. Sometimes at the same time! It’s so cathartic!

For me, the most important word in our name is “Sanctuary”. I feel welcomed here no matter how I’m feeling. I can come open and excited, or broken and antisocial, and all of it is met with nothing but acceptance.

Yes, you may feel vulnerable when being in close embrace with another person. That safety in vulnerability is part of what makes this a profound experience for many. However, if that’s not your flavor, there’s lots of other options! Many of our events have a childlike, playful vibe to them. We use the term “cuddling” loosely. While spooning is certainly an option, lots of what we do is share conversations, trade massages, maybe even wrestle or thumb fight.

Maybe you’ll have a giggle fit instead! And if you need a good cry, wouldn’t you prefer it to happen at a place where you can be held and comforted at the same time too?

Fear # 3 Being surrounded by desperation

This is a fear I relate to. It almost kept me from attending my very first event. Oh, what a shame that would’ve been! My life would look completely different if I hadn’t looked through that fear.

I believe that part of this is our own judgement around perceived weakness. Perhaps we carry shame around our need for connection and desire for touch — maybe we project that onto others. Because of that projection, we might also carry this fear of being consumed by someone else’s need. I know I had a fear of being used up, of having to give too much of myself to meet the needs of the group.

Offer: Jean wrote a fantastic article about this, addressing the need for touch as simply human and nothing to be ashamed of, especially in this world of isolation. What you’ll most likely find is a roomful of people just like you and me, who are bravely living our lives by seeking out community in a less conventional setting. I find that Cuddle Sanctuary tends to be a placed filled with folks who are growth-oriented, who are out there trying to live their best lives. The community inspires me!

You might also be surprised like I was, how many of us are there to celebrate openness and connection, and to give instead of to consume. So many attendees have overflowing touch and connection in their lives – specifically because they make it a practice by attending these events!

As for the fear of having to give too much, I have three words for you: “No, thank you”. You might find the practice of honoring your boundaries and being (*gasp*) selfish, just the kind of liberation you’ve been needing!

Fear #2 Things will get sexual

But are your events *really* G-rated? What if I (or my cuddle buddy) gets a boner?

We get it! Having a clearly platonic space is essential to maintaining that feeling of safety for many folks. We also know that attendees are worried about being shamed for having a physical reaction to the environmental stimulus. Cuddling is often associated with sex so it’s understandable to have some crossed wires.

Offer: We have very clear guidelines at our event to keep everything 100% platonic. It’s not “Cuddle” with a wink and a nudge. It is simply just that. Didn’t I mention thumb wrestling?!

We also address the possibility of arousal very plainly at each event. There’s no shame or judgement around it coming from us, we just ask attendees to keep erotic energy out of *this* particular space by making adjustments: shifting thoughts, positions, activities, partners. No big deal at all.

Fear #1 Being trapped in the discomfort of a strange new environment

At the end of the day, a lot of it just boils down to fear of the unknown. We’re very wary of being overwhelmed or uncomfortable, and are wired to avoid it as much as possible to protect our well-being. This applies to all new situations.

Offer: You can leave at any time for any reason. You can always sit out. You are not required to enjoy yourself. It’s possible this will not be your thing. You’ll simply satisfy your curiosity and move on. We even have a money back guarantee to help you minimize that feeling of risk.

But what is more likely — as happened with the hundreds of us who came for the first time, stayed, and came back for more — is that you will find a great benefit from coming. Sure, you may have an awkward moment or two at your first event (or maybe you won’t!), but that feeling of accomplishment, or that moment when the oxytocin kicks in and you start to melt is so, so worth it.

Try something New

If our events still sound scary, perhaps they aren’t the best place to start for you. How about treat yourself to an Affection Spa Treatment instead? In this gentle, one-on-one setting, you can take it at your own pace and not be overwhelmed by any social dynamics. You can opt for nothing but conversation during the entire session. That one-on-one care and attention will help put you at ease. It might even feel like spending an hour with an old friend.

If you’re someone who’s feels like you’re building up courage to come to an event like saving pennies for a big purchase, I have one more offer:

Instead of courage, I’ve come to understand that the opposite of fear is love. Perhaps what you need isn’t more bravery to “tough it out”, maybe instead, that fear can be melted by love: love of growth, love of satisfying your curiosity, and love for yourself. You deserve something amazing in your life, and this could just be it.

It can be scary, I know, but if you’ll trust me, I’ll hold your hand (literally, if you’d like) and help you take the plunge. Really, this is much easier than jumping into a cold pool: there’s warmth, bliss and connection on the other side, I promise.