(Trigger Warning)

A few months ago I was at an event with old and new friends when something strange happened. I was in the midst of a conversation. There were three of us. I got very quiet and very anxious. When one of them asked me what was wrong, I said, “I don’t know” and started to quietly cry. It was really strange. I don’t recall ever having something like that happen.

Two days later I was taking a walk with a friend trying to understand what happened that night. And then a memory returned of something that happened four years ago. It was an experience that I had categorized in my mind back then as unfortunate and regrettable. With an updated perspective on consent, I now see it as sexual assault.

Fuck.

In trying to understand why the friendly, benign event in September had to do with the assault four years before, I pieced it together. I was triggered. WebMD describes it like this:

Triggers can include sights, sounds, smells, or thoughts that remind you of the traumatic event in some way.

Yep, that explained it. There were several sensory details in common on both nights. There was something else I wanted to understand. Given that I am a good communicator and confident woman, why didn’t I advocate for myself four years ago? Why didn’t I say, “No” or “I’m not interested” or “Get out”?

The answer is, I froze. You’ve probably heard of fight or flight. An article that explains it well describes it as an “acute stress response” that creates “a physiological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically.” It prepares you to run away or attack.

What psychologists now know is that there’s another response to fear and that’s to freeze like a deer in headlights. An article in Psychology Today explains it in a way that saddens me. It says that a person might freeze if they conclude – whether rationally or not – that they can’t get away. This is tricky. Though the person involved was bigger and stronger than I, it was the psychological coercion that I couldn’t defeat.

Double fuck.

I’ve sorted through a lot of feelings since this all came up including sadness, hopelessness and anger. The hopelessness is due to the state of affairs we are faced with today. There is so much confusion and hurt about sexual consent. And the problem is so. fucking. big. As the Founder of Cuddle Sanctuary it feels important for me to share this experience with you and start a dialogue about these issues. Though our events are platonic, we are navigating consent together every single week. I hope you will agree that it’s relevant.

An extraordinary three-part podcast by Radio Lab came out last month about sexual consent. It’s called “In the No,” and it’s nuanced, painful and powerful. I recommend it with a warning. If you, like me, are in a place of healing from memories of sexual assault, it might be too upsetting for now. At one point I had to turn it off because I was getting furious. At another time, I found myself screaming at the radio while driving. So listen responsibly.

>breathe<

How are you, Jean?!

Thanks for asking. It’s been a few day since I wrote the post above and my outlook is already lighter. Since this whole thing came up, I had a real rough patch. I got support from friends, family and my therapist and took the brave step and filed a police report. I feel stronger than ever. This week I’m in Seattle for a training I’d been looking forward to for months. I feel happy and buoyant. Shall we chalk it up to the resiliency of the human spirit? : – )