One time at Cuddle Sanctuary, I fell into conversation with a newcomer – we’ll call him Bobby. Bobby noticed that though he was comfortable hugging family members and romantic partners, he was totally uncomfortable touching people at our event – people he didn’t know well. He wanted advice.

I told Bobby about the book I read last month – Somebody Hold Me – and how it described four “touch styles.” He asked me to describe each of them so he could identify his type. Bobby wanted to know what was wrong with him.

Touch Enthusiastic

This person wants to hug everybody all the time. Touch feels great to a touch enthusiastic person. (Bobby agreed that this wasn’t him.)

Touch Averse

This person is repelled by touch. They dread touch and would never seek it out. (Bobby did like touch sometimes – so this didn’t fit him either.)

Touch Sensitive

This person is so energetically aware that they can feel your hand coming close even before you make contact. A touch sensitive person can get overwhelmed by too much intensity or by people who don’t treat them and their energy gently. (Bobby described being uncomfortable with touching strangers. It didn’t seem related to any particular sensitivity. So once again, this wasn’t him.)

Touch Situational

This person may very much like touch but will only feel comfortable receiving it in certain circumstances. That’s Bobby!

“My touch style isn’t the right one.”

Bobby’s comfort with touch depends on who he’s with. Once he heard each of the styles, he said something like, “Well, I assume being touch enthusiastic is the best one. I’ll strive for that.” I had a knee jerk reaction.

It’s so much easier for me to understand the folly of my own ways when I see them expressed in another person. The moment he said that, I felt how wrong it was to dismiss one’s own style. I realized that each style is valid and deserves to be honored. I told him that.

My name is Jean, and I’m touch situational

Like Bobby, I’m a touch situational person. I’d like to share with you what that’s like for me:

If I’m focused on a mental task, I generally don’t feel like being touched. (I’m busy!)

I get angry when someone I don’t know assumes they can touch me. (Get your hands off of me, please!)  

If I asses that the people around me might be put off by a display of affection, I won’t enjoy it at that time. (I’m sensitive to context.)

If I feel relaxed and safe, I’m more apt to feel open to touch. (Okay, I’m ready now.)

If I have a history of good cuddling experiences with someone, that helps, too. (Oh goody, it’s you!)

How does this affect my work as a professional cuddler?

When I work with my trusted clients one-on-one, I’m able to tap into a relaxed, touch comfortable zone. I have repeat clients – yay!

But when greeting individuals at my cuddle events with so many administrative things to juggle and new people streaming in? Well that’s another story.

This is hard to admit

I often attend cuddle events as a guest and one time I observed my friend and fellow event leader Fei offering hugs to everyone who arrived. I thought to myself OF COURSE, that’s the expected behavior! I’ve been doing it wrong! (At my events I was just greeting people, getting them registered on my laptop and giving newcomers a tour.)

I can be a bit of a perfectionist so without really thinking about it, I decided that offering hugs to everyone who arrives is a best practice and that’s what I will do from now on. Even though I don’t prefer it. After all, don’t Rhett and Link on the popular YouTube series Good Mythical Morning call me Cuddle Queen Jean? I have a reputation to uphold. Don’t I?

Though I haven’t asked her, I’m guessing that Fei is “touch enthusiastic.” It’s probably a pleasure for her to offer hugs at the start of her events. Lawd. Would you agree that comparing myself to my friend is kind of ridiculous and not a good example of self care?

Can we change styles? Should we?

Our touch style derives from preference and experience – nature and nurture. How you were raised can impact how much touch you like. Good experiences or bad ones can determine your level of trust. Neurological differences can impact preferences, too. I’ll bet there are a ton of other factors.

I think it’s perfectly fine to – like Bobby – want to learn and stretch our comfort zones. But – for someone like me at least – I need to pause to respect and accept how I am right now. Better yet, I think I need to abstain from hugging people during the registration part of my events! I can give great eye contact and a smile and that will just have to do.

Can I still be called Cuddle Queen Jean?

Yep!