Someone’s Being Mean to Jean
The thoughts started creeping in two nights ago. I had a dream that I had poop coming out of my mouth. Can you think of a better metaphor for being “full of shit”? This was my sleeping self waging an attack on me. And then my waking self joined in. I judged myself for not exercising well enough with my virtual yoga class and not having the right amount of passion for helping others and in general not doing this pandemic perfectly.
My friend Brett sent along his daily text: “Wellness and sanity check. How ya faring this fine socially isolated Tuesday?”
I answered: “Not so good. Self judgment is on the rise.”
Brett is a psychotherapist and so he responded: “Could it be covering fear, or sadness, or anger at something other than yourself?”
Bingo
Maybe you can tell. Brett isn’t just any therapist. He’s a really good one. I posed his questions to myself. The tears began to fall. Sadness. I had been fighting a bleakness:
There’s no path for me.
I have nothing to look forward to.
Neither of these statements are necessarily true, but they felt true when I wrote them in my journal.
Me Sad. You Sad?
There is a time to plan, and a time to be resilient. But there is also a time to fall apart and feel. Even from my privileged perch with food on the table and extra canned goods in the cupboard, there is loss:
- I need a certain amount of physical touch per week to feel balanced and well. That part of my wellness practice is interrupted.
- I earn a certain amount of monthly income to stay resourced and feel safe. That is also different.
- I thrive with work that is challenging and meaningful. Events and work trips are postponed or canceled. I feel rudderless.
Me Angry. You Angry?
This morning it started to happen again. I was starting to feel pissed off and was about to turn the rage against myself. Then I heard Brett’s voice in my head:
“Could it be covering fear, or sadness, or anger at something other than yourself?”
Bingo again. Today I am angry. I don’t know what I’m angry at, and I don’t care. I punch my couch over and over. Later I throw a plastic garbage container against a wall. That felt good.
Stages of Grief
Grief isn’t always about losing a person. It can also be about losing a way of life. Maybe this pandemic won’t be so bad. Maybe there will be a return to an enjoyable new normal. From where I sit today, that is unclear. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote about the stages of grief might say I’m doing very healthy emotional work. I would concur.
Permission Granted
We all deserve to have a good cry or a good rage about the state of the world. And I’d like to personally give you permission to feel your losses. I have a garbage pail over here that’s very enjoyable to throw. Maybe you have one of your own.
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing. Change IS loss, and there’s a grieving process that goes with it.
It helps my to share. And…you are very welcome!
Jean. I give you permission too Use my shoulder as a virtual shoulder to cry on! let those tears go! Use my torso as a virtual puncing bag! Give that anger a physicality! And use my open arms and heart for a virtual place of rest, of touch of sanctuary!
Today my husband and I were pondering the word Dis-Ease.and so I wish you Health and Ease
hugs
TOM
p.s. Brett sounds great!
TOM – I am very touched by this. Thank you.
This pandemic and the response of the powers-that-be have been very DIS-empowering. I think a lot of us are suffering from the sense of a loss of power. The language they are choosing to “keep us safe” just seems off to me, cold and shaming. “Social distancing” is really a creepy phrase, and I think it would help if we use our POWER to re-frame our situation and create a language and terms that can help us overcome this feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. “Social distancing” smacks of class hierarchy, of rejection, of fear and suspicion. I gave it some thought and realized I prefer the term “social protection”, or “neighborly consideration”, or even “giving people some space.” Those words feel good to me, they have connotations of kindness and connection. And I choose them to name what I am doing to accomplish the same goal, but in a way that encourages me. I don’t want to push people away or avoid them, which is what “social distancing” sounds like to me. I want to be considerate of my AND my neighbor’s wellbeing. I invite all of you to look at the language we are being presented-are you comfortable with it? It all comes down to what we DO, so the words don’t have to be dictated. If we are DOING what will help each other, WE can decide what we want to call it and how we want to frame it. Take back your power by framing how you are showing consideration of others in your OWN words! Words are powerful-choose what encourages YOU!
I love your perspective. My favorite phrase you wrote is “neighborly consideration.” Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about the power of words.