In his book, How to Be An Antiracist, Ibram Kendi says, “The heartbeat of antiracism is confession.” As a black man he wasn’t wagging his finger at the white reader with judgment. Instead, he acknowledged with embarrassment that he expressed racist ideas as a younger man – his own racism about other black people. In a racist society – which I now understand is the one I am living in – no one can be untouched by it. And that includes me.
Let’s Get This Over With
I made a commitment to myself that I would share an example of my own racism with you. But I’ve been dragging my heels for a few weeks. Time to rip the band-aid off.
My first year at UCLA, I took a road trip with a girlfriend up the coast. I was new to California and excited for adventure. We made our way to (I think it was) Stanford University to visit one of her friends. The dorms had co-ed bathrooms. This thrilled me. What other cool experience might be right around the corner?
I don’t remember what social thing we were doing that night. Maybe it was a party. But I met a black student – a guy with whom I decided to hook up. I told him afterwards something to the effect of, “I’ve never kissed a black guy before.” He seemed a little hurt and asserted that he was a person – beyond that label. I don’t remember what I said in return, but I remember what I felt. I didn’t care. I was pleased with myself that I had another new experience, and now I was done with him.
I wish I could tell you that this is the only memory I have of racist behavior, but I can easily think of two more instances where I objectified black men. And these occurrences weren’t in my late teens. I was in my 30’s and 40’s. Nothing to be proud of.
A Road to Betterment
It’s appropriate for me to feel ashamed of myself for my callous thoughts and behaviors. But shame is a counterproductive place to linger. Thankfully, the antiracist community had already rolled out a red carpet of education, growth, and action for people who wanted to learn. In 2020, I was finally ready to partake of their rich offerings.
First, I participated in Dr. Eddie Moore, Jr.’s 21 Day Racial Equity Habit Building Challenge. Next, I read Ibram Kendi’s How to Be an Antiracist. Now I’m regularly writing in the Be an Antiracist journal. Later this month, I’ll start a class with the nonprofit group White Awake. I’m sure it will continue to evolve me.
New Thoughts Create New Behaviors
What I’ve noticed is that by steeping myself in facts about racism and opening my heart, I’ve naturally begun to take actions that feel right such as:
- Hiring a Diversity Equity and Inclusion Consultant
- Offering Racial Equity Scholarships
- Featuring black wellness professionals in our Monthly Talent Spotlight
I feel a sense of relief in all of this. It’s much more pleasant to greet myself in the mirror. I hope that in sharing both the ugliness and my steps towards growth that the message here is a hopeful one for you. Please feel free to share your thoughts.
I don’t see you as racist. I think the black guy you kissed probably thought you liked him in a deeper way than you did. He was probably expecting love from you and instead it was only physically pleasure he got from you. I suspect that your other examples of racism aren’t what you think they are. I also see you apologizing over and over again. I can feel your energy. You sound like you have low self-esteem. Life is painful. You aren’t one of the people who make it that way. You’re a nice person who goes out of their way to apologize like a Canadian! Do something better for the world, just love yourself for the way you already are.
Matt – thank you so much for sharing your honest opinion. I had no idea I had some kinship with Canadians! I think there’s real medicine in this phrase: Just love yourself for the way you already are. Thank you Matt, and thank you for reading and commenting.