I received an email this week from a former Cuddle Sanctuary attendee who kindly gave me permission to share it. I’ve changed his name and the names of every other person I mention below…

Jean, hi.  Hope you are well. 

Do you find when people start dating, they don’t come around to CS as much? Because their needs are being met with that significant other?

And do you find that people who have broken up with someone, or are single, come more?

I started dating someone about a month ago and I fall into that former category. I just wondered if that was common.

I’d like to come back for the social aspect (nourishing my friendship circle), and probably will.  Complicating factors is that the lady here doesn’t quite “get” platonic cuddling groups, thinks it’s a little weird, a little threatening, maybe I’m questioning my sexuality if I cuddle with men, or trolling for women, if I cuddle with them…all kinds of reasons she’s unsure.

Anyway, just thought I’d bounce these thoughts off you for any reaction at all, or even advice.

Thanks!

Matt

Is Cuddle Sanctuary chock full of single people?

In a word, yes. Lots of our clients and event attendees are divorced, widowed, broken up, between relationships, not looking to be partnered or have social obstacles that keep them from looking. But that’s not everyone. We’ve had couples attend together and individually. We also get visits from people who are new to Los Angeles or are international guests. Then there are folks who are curious and just want to see what it’s all about. But, yeah. Lots of single people do attend.

Do “regulars” stop attending if they find a partner?

Often! Falling in love is intoxicating and time consuming. Many lovers dive into the joy of a new relationship and don’t feel drawn to attend Cuddle Sanctuary as they once had. Many people originally start attending because they’re touch deprived. A new relationship can feel like a solution to touch deprivation. This is the natural ebb and flow of attendance at Cuddle Sanctuary.

And yet. I’m noticing that over time, the regular attendee who finds a partner begins to miss Cuddle Sanctuary and wants to return.

If you have a partner, why would you want to go to Cuddle Sanctuary anymore? Doesn’t it indicate that something’s wrong with the relationship?

No! Our popular culture has fed us a false belief that one person can and should fulfill all of our needs. This is a lie. Humans are complex and our needs are varied. To require one human being to fulfill our every emotional, intellectual, spiritual, sexual and social need is an unrealistic burden. Here’s an important point: A sexual or romantic partner cannot fulfill the human need for community. That’s the crux of Matt’s question.

Let’s talk about community.

Aristotle wrote that “man is by nature a social animal.” Neuroscience apparently backs that up. As social creatures, having  just one person to fulfill our community needs is by nature going to be dissatisfying. We need a group, a clan, a tribe to belong to. I like Matt’s use of the phrase “friendship circle.” That’s what we’re talking about!

Jen was a regular Cuddle Sanctuary attendee who stopped cold turkey when she started seeing someone special. Her boyfriend didn’t like the idea of her continuing to go. (Matt said it succinctly that significant others may judge cuddling events as “a little weird” and “a little threatening.”) Over time, Jen felt resentful for giving up something she valued so much.

How can I help my partner understand cuddle events? 

Education 

Many people feel threatened by things they don’t understand. Sharing information about cuddle events can help. When your partner learns that these platonic events have been around for over 13 years and that thousands of people have tried them out, the concept may seem less foreign. Here’s an article to get the conversation started.  

Experience 

Invite your significant other to attend an event with you. This could be a huge leap for them. To lessen their anxiety, you could remind them that there’s no touch required and that they can leave at any time. At Cuddle Sanctuary we offer a 30 minute free Orientation each week. That’s an easy-to-digest introduction.

If your partner wants to stay for the later event, discuss whether you’ll only cuddle each other or if it’s okay to cuddle others. Stick to your agreements.

One of our attendees, Gary, brought his fiance to Cuddle Sanctuary. She stayed for the whole event and concluded it wasn’t her cup of tea. When Gary wanted to return to events after they were married, it was easier for her to be okay with it because the events aren’t a mystery to her. She’s been there. (It’s great to see you back, Gary!) 

Have a talk about trust. 

Allow this issue to be an opportunity to learn more about each other. Find out their fears. Learn if they’ve had their trust betrayed in the past. Find out what will help them feel safer. Be a compassionate listener.

I hope this helps!