Imagine a world in which you made a commitment to a best friend that you would enjoy sunshine and fresh air only when you were together. You both loved these things and opened the curtains and windows each morning to greet the new day. Sunshine and fresh air were a natural and beautiful part of the life you shared together.
Over time, your best friend seems to like sunshine and fresh air less. Most mornings now the curtains and windows stay closed. You find yourself longing for fresh air and sunlight, but you made that promise long ago. You feel deprived and stuck.
You probably already know from the title of this blog that the metaphor for sunshine and fresh air is touch. And the best friend in this scenario is a monogamous spouse or life partner. Many people get married and lump sexual monogamy with platonic touch monogamy. Because platonic touch is misunderstood and distrusted as not possible between adults, all touch is lumped together:
We promise to not enjoy touch with others. This is our solemn commitment to each other.
There are many reasons why married or otherwise committed people might touch each other less over time:
- Old family patterns are being played out
- Issues in the relationship aren’t being addressed
- One person’s needs for touch is very different from the other
- A partner has unresolved trauma
- Other reasons
There are also many health benefits that partners are losing when the touch part of a relationship goes away:
- Better night’s sleep
- Immune system boost
- Improved heart health
- Lower stress
- Feelings of acceptance and belonging
Issues of touch (and sex) within relationships can be complex and sadly common. A Google search of “My husband won’t touch me” and “My wife won’t touch me” provide plenty of painful results. My purpose in writing about it is to pose the question:
Is it ethical for one person to control another person’s access to the health benefits of touch?
I discovered the mental health benefits of cuddling by accident. I had no idea I was touch deprived and that getting doses of soothing touch improved my symptoms of depression. But now I have this vital information and touch is part of my mental health wellness practice. I can’t imagine committing to anyone that I would give up my mental health prospects by putting the cure in their hands:
If my partner wants to touch me, great.
If my partner stops wanting to touch me, I’m screwed.
I recognize relationships can be complicated and that finding solutions can be tricky. I don’t want to pretend that this is a simple issue with simple solutions. But I did want to begin a conversation about it. What do you think?