I was once dating this guy – let’s call him Steve. Steve and I were talking about current events. I noticed that when our conversation went to topics related to women’s empowerment that he got tense and the flow of conversation would become strained. I’m not used to that. I’m used to the men in my life being on fire for my empowerment, cheering me on, proud of what I do and excited about what I’ll do next.
The men I typically hang around with are frankly turned on by feminine power.
This guy – not so much. The more I asked questions about his point of view the more I observed his need to defend himself and men in general. I found myself taking it personally and feeling hurt. For me, empowerment means decreasing bad things like sexual violence against women and increasing good things like women earning the same amount as men for the same work. Why would anyone be against these things? I stopped dating him, but I thought about him a lot. I wanted to understand what was going on with him because I know that Steve represents the perspective of a lot of men.
Men, does the #MeToo movement make you uneasy, worried or angry?
Maybe you’re different than Steve. You see gender inequality quite plainly. You are painfully aware that women’s experiences are quite different than yours and that it’s not right and not fair. Maybe what you feel is guilt. Or grief. Or confusion about what you should do. Or excitement and hope.
Whatever your perspective, one thing is for sure. We are in the midst of change. It’s local, it’s national, it’s massive. This week I discovered an article by Mark Greene about what he calls “the brutal double bind of American manhood” that made me want to reach out to you, my brothers.
In his article Greene suggests that trying to fit into the traditional masculine role in the U.S. is tragic. He explains for many in America, the way that boys are taught to be men puts them into a “man box” that is both entrapping and brutal. The man box is a place where a man is taught to deny and lose contact with his emotions and his natural ability to connect authentically with himself and others. The result says Greene is “a deep well of male loneliness.”
Men. At Cuddle Sanctuary, I witness you showing up to events and professional cuddling sessions with authenticity and courage. The culture may have taught you to hide your emotions, but you have realized on some level the folly in being disconnected to yourself and other people. You are my brothers.
So if I’m understanding it right, there’s the “man box” way of what Greene calls “performing masculinity” and then there might be your way which is nuanced and deliberate. I’d like to offer a perspective and an idea for the man who resents the #MeToo movement. Whether this is helpful for you or for a man you know, I’d love to hear what you think. And please pass this on if it’s useful.
I’m angry. I hate the #MeToo movement. What can I do?
Greene opens his article with this, “Sorry guys…For this generation of men, there will be no quick or easy way forward.” So the bad news – if you need to think of it as bad – is that this change is happening whether you want it to or not. And it will continue to upset you and throw you off balance until you learn some new skills.
But you are resilient. When you put your mind to things, you can nail it. I feel like I know this about you. And the new skills I’m talking about are going to make your life better. The great news is that on the other side of this change that’s being asked of you is a happier life. Seriously. A happier life. And that’s something I want you to have.
What will make your life more rich, delightful and satisfying is being around generally happier people. I’m talking about the women you care about. This change that’s occurring right now makes happier mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends and co-workers. You don’t want to miss living in a world where there are more happy women. When I am happy, I am radiant, generous and loving. Now multiply that by thousands and then multiply it again.
When mama’s happy everybody’s happy
There’s real truth to this statement. Women’s happiness is contagious and you will benefit. To prepare you to interact with these joyful females, you do need more skills than you’ve got right now. I wish I could wave a magic wand or download these lessons into your mind like Neo in The Matrix. I actually am not qualified to help you at all. You may be surprised who your teachers will be. Men.
The lessons you need can only be transferred to you by other men.
Join a men’s group or better yet look up the ManKind Project. I’m a huge fan of the Mankind Project because of the quality of men who have come through their New Warrior Training . I wish I could tell you what happens there, but they ask the men who participate to keep the experience private. I know it has something to do with an initiation. (I find the mystique of that very sexy, BTW!)
The website says that the ManKind Project is “a nonprofit training and education organization with three decades of proven success hosting life-changing experiential personal development programs for men.” And here’s what they say about the New Warrior Training:
We ask men to stop living vicariously through movies, television, addictions and distractions and step up into their own adventure – in real time and surrounded by other men.
I’m so impressed with the results I’ve witnessed in the men who undergo the New Warrior Training, that in two weeks, I’ll share with you an interview of a man who went and what his life has been like since then. Spoiler alert: Much better.
Until then, brothers, thank you for being in my life.