A few weeks ago, in my blog Support for Men in the #MeToo Era, I promised you an interview with a man who’s been through the ManKind Project’s New Warrior Training. Here it is!

I want you to meet a very special person in my life – Brett Rhodes. Brett loves karaoke, chess and dancing. He is also one of my best friends. Over the years Brett has shared with me what kind of guy he used to be. I’m not sure I would have been friends with him back then. The old Brett seemed bitter and angry. The new Brett? Well, allow me to introduce you.

Jean: Hi Brett! Thanks for setting aside time to talk with me about the ManKind Project.

Brett: Sure, I’m really passionate about it.

Jean: What was going on in your life before you participated in the ManKind Project?

Brett: My social life sucked. Work sucked. It just all kind of sucked. I woke up each day dreading my job, and I was having a hard time connecting with women. I was so miserable. I hired a dating coach. We wound up dealing with a lot of things – career, life purpose, goals. It was my coach who suggested the ManKind Project. At that point I was willing to do anything that would help.

Jean: Is it a secret what happens there? Are women not supposed to know?

Brett: It’s not a secret because you’re a woman. We do make an agreement not to discuss the particulars of the workshop with anyone who hasn’t been through it. It’s not for any nefarious reasons – it’s not a cult or anything like that. One of the amazing aspects of it is that it mirrors something our culture has lost which is an initiation rite for men into masculine adulthood. In previous cultures, the rites have been secret rituals where the person going through it doesn’t know what’s going to happen and then they come out the other side a different person. It’s a wisdom teaching that the creators of the ManKind Project held as being really important. So there are the initiated and the uninitiated and I don’t want to give it away. Part of the magic of it is not knowing what’s going to take place. I can tell you that there’s nothing physically painful or physically dangerous about it.

Jean: How long does it take to go through New Warrior Training and who attends?

Brett: The New Warrior Training is three days – Friday, Saturday and Sunday. When I attended there were some men in their early to mid-twenties and one guy in his 70’s. Most of the men were in their 30’s and 40’s.

Jean: Who leads the training?

Brett: One of the things I love about The ManKind Project is that it’s a nonprofit organization. The people running the workshops are highly trained, but they are all volunteers. They aren’t doing it for money but for love of the work. To me, that’s really powerful. When I went through, we had 40-50 men going through the experience and about 30 men staffing it.

Jean: What did you get out of it?

Brett: It sent me in a completely different direction. I got a much deeper appreciation for and a whole model for understanding my emotional self – which a lot of men never get. It gave me a sense of what integrity and accountability means. It completely changed the kind of men I have friendships with. I have relationships with men that are of such high quality now. We bolster each other up and help each other.

Jean: How did your life change afterwards?

Brett: It started me on what I would call my spiritual journey. I’ve always known that I wanted a deep, rich, fulfilling, meaningful life, but I was off track.The experience explored how the masculine relates to the feminine. It got me to ask myself what kind of relationships with women do I want to have?  And I asked myself how do I become the man I want to be in the world with women? My eyes were also opened when I saw the friendships of the guys that were on staff. I asked myself how do I become the man I want to be in the world with other men.

It completely changed my career. Since I was in the eleventh grade, I knew I wanted to be a psychotherapist. Here I was in a tech startup company doing a career that I thought I’d be doing for just  two years and instead it was ten. The workshop jarred me enough to realize I had to make a change. I left that company, took some time off, went back to school for about a year and got licensed to be a psychotherapist.

Here I am doing the work I was built for. I’m contributing to the world in a way that’s meaningful to me. I’m having the relationships I want to have with both men and women. My world is so much better. I wake up in the morning and say, Yes this is the life I want.

Jean: How might this program help men who are struggling with #MeToo?

Brett: One profound aspect of the ManKind experience is a whole chunk around a man’s relationship with his own sexuality including the trauma that most men suffer as they’re being socialized around sexuality. Most men are socialized with an objectifying vision of sexuality and women. We are told to try to get laid as much as you can until you find the one woman and then settle down and have a family. It’s a pretty thin way to approach relationships. It’s kind of gross to me now. There’s trauma in being socialized that way. Part of the warrior training is to begin that conversation on a deep level.

I hear a lot of men saying it’s an awful time to be a man and I want to say, “Are you kidding me?” It’s an awful time to be a shitty man who abuses women. It should always be an awful time for people who do that. Right now is one of the best times to be a good man in this world. The opportunities to connect with women and the depths of the relationships that are possible are incredible.

I see a lot of men who are terrified and they should be without some thoughtfulness and help. But help is out there. Help is available. I think both men and women are longing for deep connection. Men have to step up to be capable of that. Men are being held to account which they should be. Now is a great time to learn how to be a better man.

Jean: How much does New Warrior Training cost?

Brett: When I went through it, the cost was $600 for the weekend. After the weekend, there’s an option to attend an integration group (i group) for free. Many of the men who go through the program and can afford it want pay for another man to go through it – in a pay it forward kind of way. So a lot of guys in my group were on scholarship.

Jean: What advice would you give men on the fence about attending New Warrior Training?

Brett: The ManKind project will kick your ass, and it’s worth it. This is a good opportunity for you to take a risk. Three days can change your life forever.

 

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Brett C. Rhodes is a psychotherapist in private practice in West LA.