A reader of my newsletters sent me a long email. She told me that I’m narcissistic, fake, tacky, and rude. I almost believed her. 

This is going to pinch a little

I got the email last week. The writer warned that what she had to tell me may be hard for me to hear. When I was done reading it, I was surprised. I felt nothing. Typically I would feel shame. Instead I had insights.

I’ve been sharing in a more unfiltered way this past few months. Moving from being blandly agreeable to a more honest version of myself is a risk. At some point some people are going to be disappointed because I no longer fit into the persona that they assigned me. What’s left is just me – a foibled human being – and that can be a bummer. I think it is for this individual.

Be a lady

In my career as a seminar leader, I was once sent on a European tour to teach administrative assistant skills. There was a section in the training that invited attendees to consider talking with their bosses about their accomplishments in order to negotiate higher pay, rank or opportunities. 

When in England, the Brits in class pushed back and told me that it was unattractive to be a “tall poppy” by calling attention to one’s accomplishments. As a brash American, they chalked it up to a cultural difference between us. 

Might I add that this was a group of mostly women? My feminist self felt that something else was at hand. We women are much easier to deal with when we feel ashamed of our own greatness. The person who sent me the email told me I should “learn to be more humble.” It brought me right back to the seminar room and my feminine socialization that reminds me to stay small.

So what exactly did the email say?

When I told you earlier that when I read it I felt nothing, maybe that wasn’t the whole truth. Because after all of this build up, you’re probably curious about the content of the email. I notice that I don’t want to tell you. I think some shame and embarrassment seeped in. I’m going to share it anyway.

Here’s the skinny

One thing the writer was bothered by was that she finds my style of white-allyship distasteful. She was convinced I was doing performative activism. I was concerned enough about this accusation to discuss it at length with Victoria, Cuddle Sanctuary’s Diversity Equity and Inclusion Consultant. Victoria – a black woman who I pay to tell me like it is and she does – didn’t feel that this was the case. 

I not only let that go, I gave myself the assignment to research Ben and Jerry’s style of activism to see if I want to go deeper with my social justice and racial justice efforts. (“So there!” says the childish part of me.)

How dare you?

The reader was similarly grossed out that I told y’all it was my birthday and invited you to celebrate me by actually giving you a list of ideas. There’s so much I can say here. I’ve come such a long way from the wounded self esteem I used to suffer with. It’s tremendous that I came to a point where I could imagine that people – even those I don’t know well – might want to send me love on my special day. I put that list together with joy and I got lots of joy in return. 

The part of myself that feels shame wants to tell you (and her) that eight of the ideas were free and one of them was to give to a nonprofit. But my choice doesn’t need to be defended. It’s just something I decided to do that once again showed a bit more of myself to you that can either be liked or not.

Defending with dignity

I wrote the reader back and ended my letter with this:

“…There are hundreds of great free newsletters out there. Why don’t you unsubscribe to mine and choose ones who’s writers are more in line with your values?”

Because I think that’s what this whole kerfuffle was about. The reader has gotten to know me better and doesn’t like what she sees. She convinced herself that her email would be edifying for me – that by pointing out my defects of character, she might help me improve myself. Her email was edifying but for reasons she didn’t expect. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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