A reader of my newsletters sent me a long email. She told me that I’m narcissistic, fake, tacky, and rude. I almost believed her.
This is going to pinch a little
I got the email last week. The writer warned that what she had to tell me may be hard for me to hear. When I was done reading it, I was surprised. I felt nothing. Typically I would feel shame. Instead I had insights.
I’ve been sharing in a more unfiltered way this past few months. Moving from being blandly agreeable to a more honest version of myself is a risk. At some point some people are going to be disappointed because I no longer fit into the persona that they assigned me. What’s left is just me – a foibled human being – and that can be a bummer. I think it is for this individual.
Be a lady
In my career as a seminar leader, I was once sent on a European tour to teach administrative assistant skills. There was a section in the training that invited attendees to consider talking with their bosses about their accomplishments in order to negotiate higher pay, rank or opportunities.
When in England, the Brits in class pushed back and told me that it was unattractive to be a “tall poppy” by calling attention to one’s accomplishments. As a brash American, they chalked it up to a cultural difference between us.
Might I add that this was a group of mostly women? My feminist self felt that something else was at hand. We women are much easier to deal with when we feel ashamed of our own greatness. The person who sent me the email told me I should “learn to be more humble.” It brought me right back to the seminar room and my feminine socialization that reminds me to stay small.
So what exactly did the email say?
When I told you earlier that when I read it I felt nothing, maybe that wasn’t the whole truth. Because after all of this build up, you’re probably curious about the content of the email. I notice that I don’t want to tell you. I think some shame and embarrassment seeped in. I’m going to share it anyway.
Here’s the skinny
One thing the writer was bothered by was that she finds my style of white-allyship distasteful. She was convinced I was doing performative activism. I was concerned enough about this accusation to discuss it at length with Victoria, Cuddle Sanctuary’s Diversity Equity and Inclusion Consultant. Victoria – a black woman who I pay to tell me like it is and she does – didn’t feel that this was the case.
I not only let that go, I gave myself the assignment to research Ben and Jerry’s style of activism to see if I want to go deeper with my social justice and racial justice efforts. (“So there!” says the childish part of me.)
How dare you?
The reader was similarly grossed out that I told y’all it was my birthday and invited you to celebrate me by actually giving you a list of ideas. There’s so much I can say here. I’ve come such a long way from the wounded self esteem I used to suffer with. It’s tremendous that I came to a point where I could imagine that people – even those I don’t know well – might want to send me love on my special day. I put that list together with joy and I got lots of joy in return.
The part of myself that feels shame wants to tell you (and her) that eight of the ideas were free and one of them was to give to a nonprofit. But my choice doesn’t need to be defended. It’s just something I decided to do that once again showed a bit more of myself to you that can either be liked or not.
Defending with dignity
I wrote the reader back and ended my letter with this:
“…There are hundreds of great free newsletters out there. Why don’t you unsubscribe to mine and choose ones who’s writers are more in line with your values?”
Because I think that’s what this whole kerfuffle was about. The reader has gotten to know me better and doesn’t like what she sees. She convinced herself that her email would be edifying for me – that by pointing out my defects of character, she might help me improve myself. Her email was edifying but for reasons she didn’t expect.
I think the world of you Jean, without putting you on a soapbox. I am sometimes intimidated by your depth and insight, yet it is always an invitation to grow. Sometimes it is difficult to admit my need of growth, but I am ever grateful for your input helping me be a better version of myself. THANKYOU!
I feel like saying Thank You in return. But I think I’m supposed to say YOU’RE WELCOME! I appreciate that you left this comment here.
Way to be YOU. Which by the way has courage and creativity and sincerity and humor…. woven within.
And you’re a very good writer!!
Thanks,
I especially appreciate the “good writer” compliment! Thank you.
Thank you for sharing yourself, your journey and your learnings with all of us. A big virtual hug for you from Portland.
Received! : – )
Wow! She could learn some NVC, for sure! But it looks like you handled it well, Jean, including the suggestions to unsubscribe.
This gives me the opportunity to write something I forgot to. Just after our last racial equity 21-day challenge, I got annoyed in the grocery store by some female teen who abruptly told me not to touch her cutest dog who came friendily to me, because the dog was working. Normally I asked the owner before petting their dog(s) but I was taken offguard. So, I made some silly and somewhat cynical remark. And then I remembered what you shared with us on the last day and it inspired me to look for that young woman again through the store and apologized for petting the dog and not responding appropriately. By then, she was much more relaxed and volunteered to say that she knew how much her dog loved people, etc….and it felt really good to me, and probably her.
So you were my model – thank you! With love, Chantal
Wow! It takes strength to apologize like that. It would have been easy not to. I’m so glad you did. I actually don’t know what moment you modeled related to me but it sounds like it was good, so YAY and you’re welcome!
Dear Jean,
I have a friend who is practicing and struggling, struggling and practicing to put herself first before selling out her needs and desires to please others. Her recent birthday was a courseroom of temptation to say “It’s okay … whatever ‘you’ want….”, not ask for anything, etc. Your birthday announcement and suggestions were an inspiration for those of us who have been trained out of asking for anything, trained out of saying ‘no’ under any circumstances and hopelessly viciously self critical. Thank you for the work you do and for your example. It serves a large and needy fraction of our population.
Thank you for sharing this perspective.
Jean, you are awesome and amazing! I am grateful to have known you 12 years
Thanks Karen and wow – 12 years!
I believe that being humble is a good thing. You don’t have to be loud or showy to go far; unless you feel a need to be noticed. That need is a weakness, but we sure do notice the people who possess it! 🙂 I guess it just comes down to where you find happiness, and how you choose to maximize good in the world.
“We women are much easier to deal with when we feel ashamed of our own greatness.” I want to point out that -everyone- is much easier to deal with when they are -humble- about their own greatness. Don’t want to be dealt with? Tough, unless you’re a hermit. All of us have a responsibility to be tolerant and tolerable in social settings, I am an Aspie and learned this the slow and hard way. Even if I’m being a naysayer, I am a fan of you Jean and I don’t think you intend to promote hate in anything you do. The quoted sentence is a fabricated promotion of hate.
“It’s tremendous that I came to a point where I could imagine that people – even those I don’t know well – might want to send me love on my special day.” But even more importantly, congratulations on this Jean! It is certainly tremendous and I hope every one of your readers can recognize this about themselves. You (whoever you are) reading this, are loved by many.
In any case, we do not need to agree on everything. My intention isn’t to tear you down, just to offer food for thought. Thank you for all the good that you do!
I didn’t realize you were an Aspie. I was just watching a Hulu documentary about Greta Thunberg – also an Aspie. She embodies humility I think.