A Professional Achievement
For the past few months, I’ve been hired to work on television and film sets as an Intimacy Coordinator. Last week I got to experience a dream come true. I was flown out of state to work on a film “on location.” Working on location on a movie has been on my bucket list for a long time. I had this idealistic image of being part of a mobile tribe, like a circus. We would work together and explore the city in our off hours. It would be great!
The Newbie
As the new kid on the crew, I met lots of people and did my best to keep straight which person did what. With jetlag, my early mornings felt like I was arriving to work at 5:00am. Once back at the hotel, I needed to rest and prepare for the next day. After a few days, it was time for me to fly home. So – no – it wasn’t a panacea of fun times with a new pack of friends. I did notice that after just a few days away from my routine, I felt lonely and disconnected.
The Chef
On my third day on the set I accidentally arrived way too early. I was doing my best to stay out of the way of the equipment and folks who were working. (This is a large component of working on a film set I’ve learned.) I fell into conversation with a guy who – like me – wasn’t occupied. I learned that he was an executive chef. He was on location to provide meals for one of the VIPs. This was a three month gig for him. He had a wife and 2-year old at home and was missing his family. If I felt lonely after just a few days, imagine what this guy was going through!
My Problem Solving Mind
Back in Los Angeles I began to think about the puzzle of loneliness when working away from home. I envisioned cast and crew game nights and movie-and-popcorn nights. My fantasy about one day putting on a Cuddle Sanctuary Social was tempered by the complexity of sharing platonic affection with one’s colleagues. It was an interesting puzzle indeed.
Enter: Justin Timberlake
Justin Timberlake has also been on location, but for a different film. This means he has spent weeks away from his wife and 4-year old kid. Last month, he was blowing off steam with friends from the production and – god forbid – he held hands with one of them. And (said with mock horror) he’s a married man!
The interweb was abuzz with rumors of the “hand holding incident.” Someone who was there insists that “He was on an open balcony. They were among friends. It was nothing…There is 100 percent nothing going on.”
Advice for JT
If Justin asked me how to deal with the natural loneliness that comes when away from the comforts of one’s tribe, these are suggestions that would come to mind:
- Hold hands
- Get some hugs
- Hang out with people
I would give Justin a high five for enjoying social camaraderie in public rather than – let’s say – breaking his relationship agreements in private. If there was friction with his wife, I’d encourage them to talk about how they define monogamy as a couple and the benefits of platonic human connection. I’d hope they could find understanding between themselves.
Public Embarrassment
In response to the mounting pressure, Timberlake posted a response on Instagram:
“I stay away from gossip as much as I can, but for my family, I feel it is important to address recent rumors that are hurting the people I love. A few weeks ago I displayed a strong lapse in judgment — but let me be clear — nothing happened between me and my co-star…I apologize to my amazing wife and family for putting them through such an embarrassing situation, and I am focused on being the best husband and father I can be.”
Leave Justin Timberlake Alone
Justin shouldn’t have to apologize. Or be accused. Or have to defend himself. So hey world: Leave Justin Timrberlake alone. And instead, let’s have conversations about our needs for touch and how those needs don’t disappear when we are working away from home.
As u know I have been working on film sets for 20 plus years . Yeah working 12-14 hrs a day , people get bored on set and romances happen it has happened to me a few times , even got a boyfriend once , since we understood the crazy hours , we both worked on shows separate and apart . . Most people laugh and say that’s my on set wife or husband . When you are on location it’s unfortunately not all fun and games , you are tired and lonely and lots of hanky panky happens . Nature of the beast . If u show affection more then hugs , people gossip , u notice people hanging out together a lot . I get hit on by married men all the time .
To bad that when u r in the public eye , you are constantly judged and people wanting to rip you apart . Lots of relationships end because of gossip even if nothing happened . I’m glad u got to do your bucket list . We have had technical advisers on set about sex etc for the actors for scenes .
The need for touch as u say in the industry will never be allowed just look at the me too movement , it’s a twisted beast . People flirt to pass time and it’s fun . I don’t see any future of people understanding platonic touch in the work industry, it just gets to misunderstood and lots of people use the promise of sex or intimacy to get ahead. It’s a sad but true way of life .
I loved hearing your perspective about all of this, Therese! Thank you for sharing your perspective based on years of experience.
Jean, I think you’re being naive about platonic touch in a setting like the movie industry. It has been rife with sexual abuse and misuse since its inception. “There’s a time and there’s a place…” What Timberlake did as a married man was, as he said, a “strong lapse in judgment”. I don’t know why working on a film set would be on your bucket list unless perhaps you are naive about it. The general public is only presented with the glamor and glitter of it all, but my husband worked in the film business 30 years and I was often on sets, sometimes did “extra” work to pass the time. But it is a VERY emotionally risky field to be in. It is a shame we are so hooked as a society on entertainment that we don’t see what goes into creating the entertainment we’ve learned to crave. Their is a lot of using and abusing going on, that’s just how it is. It is NOT a safe place, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a MUST for appropriate touch to take place. And to comment on how a married couple should define their boundaries is just something none of us has any business doing. To applaud Timberlake’s hand-holding in such an unsafe and public arena that is known for its scandalous manipulation and sexual abuse is not appropriate. Y
ou have a lot of wisdom and good-heartedness but in this scenario you weren’t prepared to deal with the realities of a venue like the film industry. I’m a HUGE supporter of cuddling, but not in places that are not safe. And the film industry is simply not, and has never been, a safe place.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts so passionately. After working on several productions, I am still called to it – though it has been hard-edged and painful at times. But I am strong and have stuck with it. I am able to make a difference. Sometimes just a little and sometimes a lot. My very role as an Intimacy Coordinator can be a part of the solution to the many entrenched, painful problems you describe. The fact that productions are putting consent experts in their budgets speaks to a real opportunity for change. Thank you again for sharing your perspective.