Lara Chandler is a professional cuddler and is in the midst of a deep dive into our training this year. She is an artist and idea woman. Lara emailed me last week with a brilliant idea about how to market Cuddle Sanctuary services and events. She was brimming with creative thoughts and next steps. She wanted to talk.

What Lara didn’t know was that I was depressed. I’d been slogging through my responsibilities wanting nothing more than to sleep, watch Netflix, feel miserable, eat and sleep some more. I didn’t want to brainstorm. I wanted to be left alone.

In the past, I would allow myself as long as possible not to respond to Lara’s email and then answer with cheer that maybe I could brainstorm later in the month. Typically I would never mention to Lara the truth about how I felt because of rules in my head about my role in the world. The unspoken rule in my brain was that if someone is my client or student, I should only present them with a sunny, professional demeanor.

Rules like that keep me separate from people. Rules like that keep me lonely.

I decided to break the rule and let Lara know I’d been feeling depressed. The email she sent back was a gift of wisdom, kindness and support. She quoted some famous teachers and then added her own wisdom – obviously a teacher herself. I asked Lara if I could share excerpts of her loving email with you because of its grace and richness. And also because maybe you or someone you love is also experiencing sadness. Here’s Lara:

It sounds like you have experience with the Dark Night of the Soul. Eckhart Tolle describes it thus:

The dark night of the soul…is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything…The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity.

Note from Jean: When anyone calls my depression a Dark Night of the Soul, I feel that they get me! I see these painful times as a passage, a transformation. Lara continued:

One of my favorite books is Thomas Moore’s Dark Nights of the Soul. Here is a description: Every human life is made up of the light and the dark, the happy and the sad, the vital and the deadening. How you think about this rhythm of moods makes all the difference.

Society tends to view these “dark nights” in clinical terms as obstacles to be overcome as quickly as possible. But Moore shows how honoring these periods of fragility as periods of incubation and positive opportunities to delve the soul’s deepest needs can provide healing and a new understanding of life’s meaning. Dark Nights of the Soul presents these metaphoric dark nights not as the enemy, but as times of transition, occasions to restore yourself, and transforming rites of passage, revealing an uplifting and inspiring new outlook.

So, be with your incubation. “Heaviness may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Morning will come soon.

Lara ended her beautiful email with a simple closing: Hugs

I used this word as a reminder that during my Dark Night, I still needed physical touch. I continued to brush my teeth, dress myself, shower and exercise. I took care of the basics. As a professional cuddler and soothing touch advocate, I know that hugs are part of the basics. I looked ahead and made sure that physical connection was built into my week.

I want to thank Lara Chandler, and with her inspiration rename what I was going through. I will now call it, “Dark Night of the Soul (with hugs).”

Update: I came out of that sad time not only feeling happier, but with new ideas and excitement about the future.

Just as Lara said: Morning came.